Bringing up old problems

I've actually written a lot of things in the past month, and will be posting soon :)

When I hear something I don't like, I don't always say something right away because I haven't decided yet how I feel. And so if I start talking about it I’ll more than likely get too emotional and won't get out what I need to say. So then I end up revisiting it multiple times over, which I think is more stressful and annoying then telling you about it later when I know exactly what the problem is. So how do I resolve this issue? How do I make my brain go faster and understand my reactions and emotions in two minutes when I'm used to taking days to get it together?

Jesus loves the little children...

I realized the love of God today (well, yesterday, while sitting in church). In Isaiah 55, the pastor was emphasizing the forgiveness of God – the sure mercies of David. He especially pointed out verse 7 that says He will abundantly pardon. David did so many things, on purpose things, but God still called him a man after his own heart. This stuff I already knew though. I was sitting there and thought of the verse in I John 4 that says that we love God because he first loved us. I just didn’t see a reason for my lack of self-esteem. God is chasing after me, wanting me to be closer to him, setting up circumstances so that all I have to do is walk into them and I will have all the love that I want. What got me about this is this is what I feel about Friend with Special Place in my Heart sometimes. I have done everything for him. I’ve pretty much been his girlfriend since we got back to school, but he doesn’t fully see that (he sees it, but he doesn’t see how it hurts sometimes when he puts up walls for no reason. I’ve given him no indication that I would betray him, yet he still believes that. It’s an affront on my character, which hurts that after all this time he doesn’t see who I am and how I feel about him. But that’s another story for another day). And I looked at what it’s like to be on the other side. Maybe this isn’t a good thing, but part of me was like, man, I give this dude a lot of love, and all he has to do is say yes, and I would give him even more. Wow, I really love this dude. But it was nice to realize that for once I was wanted. That if I made the effort, and it wasn’t even a really big effort, I could have all the love in the world that I wanted. God was just sitting there waiting for me, and it floored me to realize that he wants me. He wants the good and the bad of me, and is ok with my faults. He wants to gently change me, not rip me to pieces to break me down. I don’t really have to do anything to deserve His love. He accepts me for me. He loves my natural hair because he made it. My lips because he made them. My small hips and thighs because he made them. The things that he’s said about me will come to pass. If I stay with him, he won’t let me become a failure at life. I will do great things and affect people in a positive way. I can take for granted the things that he says, because His word cannot turn back to him void.

Can you overdose on church?

I was reading an article over on the Freshxpress.com (http://thefreshxpress.com/2009/02/high-christians-edit-in-progress/) and it got me thinking. For those of you too lazy to click the link, the writer Mike Scruggs is talking about the “I need me some church” phenomenon. People go to church to escape the hard things in their life, looking for uplifting songs and sermons that make them feel good for those 2-3 hours (or longer if you go to a Pentecostal church). Unfortunately, there are no real points or lessons that actually make it back to your house to help you change your situation. Church is simply a drug used to get “high.”
So I asked myself, if church is a drug, what does it mean when you overdose? This may be over-extending the analogy, but it’s something to consider. Is there a point when you get too much church? I frequently feel like I’ve gotten too much before. For those of you judging me right now for my heathen-ness, bear with me for a bit. I grew up in one of those strict Christian homes where we weren’t allowed to listen to any secular music, we attended service a lot (my dad was a pastor), AND I went to a Christian school. My entire life was church, church, and more church. I got tired of it just like any kid would, but it was life. There was nothing I could do about it, so I just accepted it and learned to deal with it. When I got out, I realized that all that stuff I’d learned was true – and actually useful. So I involved myself in campus ministries and ingrained myself at a really great church. But during one of the many conferences I attended with the ministry and church, I realized that I was sick of it. I was sick of being holed up in a hotel listening to powerful word after powerful word, and not being able to really do anything with it right there, instead making promises to God with New Years-like resolutions of how things would be different once I got back home. Believe it or not, during those times when I was surrounded by Christians 24/7, I prayed much less than I would if I was home. I was resting on the collective spiritual glow of everyone around me. For three days I lived off of a feeling of being close to God, the electric energy of the worship, and the fervor and earnestness of those around me. However, by the end, those fuzzy feelings had worn out, and I was ready to go. I was so filled up with the word, I literally felt like I wanted to throw up. Here, ladies and gents, is what an overdose looks like. You get so filled up with the word until it all becomes one long string of trite Church-isms.
So how do you detox? Get it out of your system. Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom.” This may just be talking about the physical act of giving, but I think you can generalize it to giving of yourself. So if you’re getting so much word, you should find ways to live it out in your day to day life. Then, instead of living for a high from Sunday service, you get a steady dose of the drug and have genuine joy all during the week. Which I think is much better than having that crash after the high.

Energy

I have a lot of love to give. I have some energy deep down that’s trying to get out and attach itself to something. Until I find out what that is and what life has for me in the near and distant future, I guess I’ll have to deal and pray more. Living in the moment is rather foreign to me, but unexpected twists and turns are pretty run-of-the-mill in this thing called life.


But for the moment, I want to get this slightly negative energy off my chest.

Dear Roomie, thanks for finally cleaning up your mess. I know some of that was mine, and I take responsibility for my mess (and cleaned it), but this was probably the first time you’ve cleaned since we’ve gotten to school. And we’ve been here a month.

To the rest of my roomies: I love you all, and you’re very entertaining. Except for when I’m trying to study for an exam. Pipe down.

To the president and board of my resume-boosting extra-curricular activity that I’m SO over right now: If I tell you that we have $300 to spend, that does not mean plan events in the span of three weeks that require us to spend $250. You seem to forget that we have 3 more months and an entire semester left. Yes, we have fundraisers coming up, but really? You need money to make money. In your short time at the university, I know you've figured that out. Oh, and we do not have to have pizza at every event. Chips and soda will do.

To the Gospel music industry: Can I get some non-corny, non-preachy music? I want to hear your heart, not regurgitated sermons. The people listening to your music already go to church.

To Friend With a Special Place in my Heart: I’m really glad you explained yourself, even if it was just to explain why you don’t explain yourself. Your vagueness was pissing me off.

To my hormones: SHUT UP!!


Whew, that felt good! :)

Speak to me

Songs have a way of speaking to you in ways that spoken words just can't sometimes. I've been freaking out lately about my life, and after a really inspiring message on Sunday, I've (mostly) relaxed. My pastor was texting me and encouraging me, and right after I read his texts, Kirk Franklin's song 'My Life is in Your Hands' came on Pandora. I'd asked God for a word this morning, some type of encouragement just to let me know he was there with me and he had my back, and some direction on what I'm supposed to be doing. He answered my prayers! It's great when you can count on somebody to be true to their word. He said he's a present help in trouble, and he proved himself again. It seems small, but it's these small moments that help move me in the right direction.

Reaally long post coming on overdosing on church.

Mhm..

I’m back at school. Freshmen are mad hype. Seniors are even worse. Is it May yet?

I straightened my hair. Everybody’s saying it’s cute. Is that a hint that I should leave the fro alone? But I wanna go back to my “naturally curly hair.” L

It’s not a good look to play “never have I ever” with people who you don’t really care to know their business, and neither do you want them to know yours.

I want school to start so I can get to work. But in two weeks, I will be begging for a break.

To my friend and former burgeoning cuddle buddy, Diesel: I miss you, why did you have to get a girlfriend?

It's a little cloudy

So I just finished watching the movie Juno. I’d refused to watch it before out of silent protest. If a black girl gets pregnant, it’s the same old story of an irresponsible slutty hoodrat having kids to stay on welfare or WIC. But a white girl does it and she gets an Oscar nomination. However, after watching it, I see why it won an Oscar. It was very well-written and acted. The subtleties and themes could probably make a nice little paper, if I actually wrote papers. There’s a reason I’m an accounting major. Watching movies like that makes me wish I could verbalize my thoughts in an eloquent manner. Or should I say, verbalize them quickly in an eloquent manner. I can come up with great arguments, but I need a lot of time to get them together. I have passed classes with flying colors after failing tests because of my superb papers (exhibit A of grade inflation). I feel like I could have a lot to say, but I need to practice getting my thoughts out of my head. There’s a line in that same song I talked about in the last post (Elevator Music by Othello) that says “responsibilities rest on the tongues of the educated mind, now accountable to verbalize truth.” Those words may not be completely right, but the gist of what he’s saying is that if you have knowledge, you should share that with someone who doesn’t have it and try to help them out. I get these vibes from people and I see inconsistencies and flaws in explanations, but many times, I can’t quite put my finger on it. But when I finally do get it, it’s even better than that proverbial light bulb. It’s that feeling you get when the sun finally breaks through the clouds after you’ve been secretly pleading with it all day to come out because you knew that the day would be absolutely perfect if it would just shine as brightly as you knew it could. So until I get that feeling, I keep tweaking my thoughts, keeping in mind that the hard work will be worth it when the cloud is finally lifted from my mind.