I'm sprung

I think I'm pms'ing. I like this dude way too much. Like so much, it almost hurts. The 'I want to talk to him RIGHT NOW and if I don't I'm gonna go crazy' type of way. I want him here with me. Is he good for me? Eh, jury's still out. But my friends love him, he makes me laugh, and he's affectionate in a way that I've always wanted from a dude. There's a lot I could say about him, but right now, I kind of just want to revel in this feeling. It's been a while since I've felt this, and especially when it seems to be at least halfway mutual. Ah, mi vida.

A week left

All of my professors decided to have everything due at the same time. I have two papers due Wednesday, one Friday, and some project stuff that I completely forgot about due next week. It was way more squished together than that, but I got some stuff moved around. I have a lot to do, but I don't know where to start, and when I do start, I get writers block and my thoughts get even more scrambled than when I first sat down. I can't even look at all the facebook statuses like, "I'm done..FOREVER!!" Thanks for reminding me that I still have a week to go. Hopefully my GPA won't completely tank..

Transition period

Being in a state of flux is uncomfortable. I’m not one for incessant anticipation, sitting on the edge of my seat for a seemingly interminable amount of time for the next event to pop out at me to scare the crap out of me. Then I just get angry and frustrated, but I still can’t stop watching. It's like a slow-moving train wreck. So I’m fighting to get out of the angry and frustrated phase, cause that’s no way to live. It’s mad stressful. Something is around the corner, whether it be a job, or feeling like I’ve finally come to the place in God I’m supposed to be right now. But I will keep praying, constantly, because I can’t do this life without knowing that I’m doing the things I’m supposed to be doing, that even if I’m struggling, that God has a purpose for it, that it’s not in vain. Friend with Special Place is always emphasizing the struggle part of it, but I just can’t dwell on that. As long as I know that God is with me, then I can deal with it a lot better. When I’m not sure if it’s me screwing up or God testing me, that’s when I freak out. As I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. It just seems like it’s been one thing after another, with people actin a fool for no reason, missing job opportunities by this much, and juggling school and credit card payments so my bank account doesn’t suddenly converge to zero, especially when there’s been things coming up that have been taking me away from working (but really, I wonder why I’m spending so much, cause I usually don’t do things like this. I feel like I’ve been constantly whipping out my school/debit/credit card. Mint.com here I come.) I really didn’t want to touch my savings this semester at all, and since I decided that, it’s been cut in half. Ohhhhh, life.

Just to give you an analogy for what I feel is going on: In football, when the receiver is running with the ball, there’s usually a line of people coming to tackle him. If he can get around that last dude and “turn that corner” to run up the sideline, then he could possibly go straight for the touchdown.** But even though he’s really close to getting clobbered, there’s a very real chance he could make it. I just know that if I don’t let despair and fear tackle me, I will be ok. Actually, I’ll be fantastic. The people who can “turn that corner” get put on the highlight reel. Not that that’s my goal, but you know what I’m saying; it’s a signal of a good play. I just try to think about the things that can come to me, the things I can accomplish when I defeat the things that are trying to defeat me. So here’s to overcoming.

He don’t want you sad, He wants you seeking
I watch and pray as I’m peeking
Have you now known, have you not heard
Isaiah 40:28 words?

- “Strong” by Adrianne Archie

**Shoutout to Dad for unknowingly teaching me lots of things about football over winter break.

PSA: You ain't special

I seem to attract dudes who think that God used a different type of dirt to make them. They think that their thought process is completely different from everyone else, which is one reason (they think) that causes them to not really fit into one particular set of people. They’re a little more republican than democrat, don’t feel like they fit into either the black or white world (I've only dated black guys), have a major in something like economics or political science, and plan to go into something government related. They’re also very talkative and mostly friendly but question many things that people take at face value or are too "lazy" to think about. It's not that these are necessarily bad things, but I wonder sometimes what it is about these dudes that I like so much. I can't take much more of the arrogance. Even when I meet someone completely random, they're pretty close to this mold. Some of them are the poster children for our entitled generation, and I just want to tell them, "Sweetie, I know they told you this in kindergarten, but you ain't special!"

Thank God...

...that I didn't tank my GPA this semester. I was enjoying being a senior a little bit too much, but it's still at a decent level. I've got a lot of work to do this semester (sigh).

...for people pouring into my life and being concerned about my spiritual well-being. My pastor is so supportive!

...that I know He has a plan for me, because this job search is stressful and was starting to drive me crazy over the break.

...for helping me cut off people who were weren't good for me. I prayed and prayed, waiting for God to magically separate us, but He gave me the opportunity to simply say, "It's over." Felt good :)

...for new music. I just bought Adrianne Archie's new album, and I (mostly) like it! Talk to me in a few months, though, after I've really digested it. I love music with staying power. Favorite track at the moment: Strong.

That is all folks :)

Friend with Special Place (I really need a shorter name for him) texted me the other day and said, “I remember when you were on fire for Christ during that conference last year. I miss that.” This really made me mad. I wanted to tell him off because
1) I wasn’t even that on fire for God during this time last year. There were other times much later in the year when I was really ready for God to take over.
2) “I miss that.” I miss that? When I did say something to him about God, he wouldn’t listen to me, so what is he missing?
3) on that same note, that wasn’t exactly an encouraging text, like, “I see you’re struggling with your relationship with God, but I’m praying for you.” I could see him sitting there thinking and reminiscing about last year, when I sent him a few texts about it. It’s just funny to me because I was so sick of that conference and was ready to leave. I was more in awe of the level of spirituality of people my age and ashamed at my lack of spiritual maturity and zeal for God than actually being on fire for God.
4) I’m tired of him looking down on me from his pedestal. I talk reckless things to my friends to get it out of my system, but he hasn’t separated what I say from what I actually do. Yes, I’ve been in pimp mode, but him giving me that judging look doesn’t help that much; it just makes me mad. Just pray for me and shut up. God takes much better care of me than you do.
5) he barely believes in God. He thinks that God answers everyone’s prayers but his own and God’s only out to stab him in the back. Maybe he wants me to be his one hope that God isn’t out to get us, but please, sweetie, take that plank out of your eye.
6) he’s right. I know I’ve been slipping, and part of me is grateful for those judging looks and words. They give me a reality check, and make me see how far I’ve gone and give me some motivation to get back in line.

Bestie talked me out of telling him off, mostly because of # 6. But if he does it again, I’m going to say something. This isn't cool.

Vacation musings

As I said earlier, I’m over my extra-curriculars. One of them has these conferences all the time, but I really don’t think I can come up with the money to go this year. If there were a couple others going with me, then I could’ve applied for a grant and paid nothing. But now that it’s just me, I have to pay close to $400. My advisor isn’t too happy that I won’t be going, but nobody is going to convince my parents to let me fly by myself, and she isn’t going to convince me to spend $400 if she’s not kicking in; I have to buy books next semester.

I told myself I would use this time to get in the spirit when I pray, and make my list of scriptures for various situations. This is so important for next semester so I don’t drive myself crazy. There is no way a child of God should be worried about these things.

Oh PMS, you have caused me to apologize more often than I should have to. Please go away. ASAP.

I've taken my last undergraduate accounting class!

I'm talking (in a way) to a dude I'll call Yellow Sweater, but he's too thirsty. Yesterday, he sent me a good morning text, then called me at 1:53 PM, and when I didn’t pick up, he sent me a text at 1:54 like “Are you ignoring me?” Um, yes. This is not the first time I’ve ignored you, why is this puzzling? And maybe I’m busy, did you think about that, stalker?

Why is my ex texting me now?

Christmas vacation is…eh. There were so many things that I wanted to use this break to accomplish, but now that I have time, I don’t feel like doing any of it.
Being able to go out without thinking about the ton of work I need to do is fantastic, but I need to do a bunch of things to get myself ready for my last semester in college (wow).

Energy

I have a lot of love to give. I have some energy deep down that’s trying to get out and attach itself to something. Until I find out what that is and what life has for me in the near and distant future, I guess I’ll have to deal and pray more. Living in the moment is rather foreign to me, but unexpected twists and turns are pretty run-of-the-mill in this thing called life.


But for the moment, I want to get this slightly negative energy off my chest.

Dear Roomie, thanks for finally cleaning up your mess. I know some of that was mine, and I take responsibility for my mess (and cleaned it), but this was probably the first time you’ve cleaned since we’ve gotten to school. And we’ve been here a month.

To the rest of my roomies: I love you all, and you’re very entertaining. Except for when I’m trying to study for an exam. Pipe down.

To the president and board of my resume-boosting extra-curricular activity that I’m SO over right now: If I tell you that we have $300 to spend, that does not mean plan events in the span of three weeks that require us to spend $250. You seem to forget that we have 3 more months and an entire semester left. Yes, we have fundraisers coming up, but really? You need money to make money. In your short time at the university, I know you've figured that out. Oh, and we do not have to have pizza at every event. Chips and soda will do.

To the Gospel music industry: Can I get some non-corny, non-preachy music? I want to hear your heart, not regurgitated sermons. The people listening to your music already go to church.

To Friend With a Special Place in my Heart: I’m really glad you explained yourself, even if it was just to explain why you don’t explain yourself. Your vagueness was pissing me off.

To my hormones: SHUT UP!!


Whew, that felt good! :)

Mhm..

I’m back at school. Freshmen are mad hype. Seniors are even worse. Is it May yet?

I straightened my hair. Everybody’s saying it’s cute. Is that a hint that I should leave the fro alone? But I wanna go back to my “naturally curly hair.” L

It’s not a good look to play “never have I ever” with people who you don’t really care to know their business, and neither do you want them to know yours.

I want school to start so I can get to work. But in two weeks, I will be begging for a break.

To my friend and former burgeoning cuddle buddy, Diesel: I miss you, why did you have to get a girlfriend?

I'm over it

*Btw, after that whole rant I had about my best friend, she called me two days later talking about how we need to stop these long breaks in between talking to each other (I'm pretty sure she doesn’t read this blog). After that it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I may have overreacted...

I was looking forward to this vacation from work, but now that it's here, I'm bored. Well, today I was bored. I’ve been going through so many emotions lately that it’s hard to trust my feelings. I’ve had so many conflicting feelings about school. It’s my senior year, the exciting and scary year that juniors dread and alumni constantly reminisce about. One part of me is just over it. I’m over the whole staying up all night studying (well, studying period), worrying about the event you’re planning, catering to the freshmen so they’ll keep your group going after you’re gone. I’m sick of it. I liked the work world and feeling like what I was doing was significant in some way, even if that way was that I could feed my ridiculous obsession with having money, even though I don’t like spending it. Since I must go to school, I just want to study to shore up my GPA, get a job, and have a good time. The only negotiable part is how I’m going to have a good time. I get satisfaction from my extra-curricular activities when I’m on top of things, and they turn out to be a success. The problem is the stress that comes with trying to make events successful. But I think my attitude for the next semester – not the year, I can’t think that far ahead – is to just get it done, and plan so that I have the least stress possible. The frustrating thing about this is that I feel like I should’ve had this attitude already in like, sophomore year. And in some ways, I’ve had it, but it hasn’t been entirely consistent. So now I feel like an idiot, even though I’ve mastered the art of looking like I have everything together. I hate that I constantly feel like I’m struggling to keep afloat. Maybe that’s why I liked working so much. I had a fresh slate, and I worked to take that opportunity and make a name for myself in the company. The actions I took had a direct effect on the results, unlike school, where I could work my butt off but still had no guarantee that I would succeed.
But I still feel like I’m missing the point. There’s a big empty space that supposed to be filled, but I feel like there’s a big hump I have to get over to get to the thing that’s supposed to fill me up. Really, I think my fluctuating emotions are a result of my fluctuating relationship with God. (Sidenote: I used to hate reading things where they would randomly start talking about God with no lead in, or have an obvious plot of ‘These were/are my problems, but I turned to/need to turn to God, and He fixed/will fix them.’ So I’m sorry if this seems like that, but really, I’ve been thinking about the reasoning behind these thoughts for quite some time now and I started noticing some patterns, so bear with me.) Whenever I’m talking to God regularly, I’m at peace with life. The craziest stuff will come up, but I freak out and then stay relatively calm because I know from experience, and not just from somebody’s grandma saying it, that God has an uncanny way of working things out. There’s this song by Othello (good rapper, you should check him out) called Elevator Music, and in the first line he says, “I guess that my stress is a direct effect of lack of elevation…” That’s exactly my problem. I hate that I feel like I write this every six months or so, but for some reason I keep doing this. I put myself on a rollercoaster that’s about to make me puke.