"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "That's a good question..."

I am unemployed. It’s not fun. I’ve been home for about a month now, and I’m starting to get bored. At first, it was like vacation. “No more pencils, no more books! No more teachers’ dirty looks!” But now I need to find a job or I will go crazy. I need purpose. I mean, I’ve started to exercise and play the piano more, and that gives me something to do each day. But they’re kind of pointless seeing as how I’d really rather gain weight to fit my clothes again and get my curves back and the piano doesn’t even hold the same magic it once did. I need something to stimulate my mind and not make me feel like I’m wasting my life, or as Friend with Special Place puts it, being an “oxygen thief.” (I would like to put “I feel like an oxygen thief” as my facebook status, but that will garner a lot of “what’s wrong?” questions. It sounds rather suicidal, which I’m not by any stretch of the imagination, so I’ll just leave that alone.) You would think I’d use this time to get back to where I used to be with God, but I believe Howard Dude is getting in the way. Which probably means I need to get rid of him. The thing about him is that he’s been through the same thing I’m going through right now, so it’s nice to have him there because he understands. We’re compatible on so many levels. All my friends who’ve seen us together think we’re great together and ask me why we aren’t dating. But being with him means that I will probably eventually compromise my morals (again) and I feel that the closer I get to God, the further I’ll get away from him. This sounds like a no-brainer: get rid of the dude who you’re not even in a real relationship with to be with the God of the universe who’s waiting to be there with you and for you. But a part of me wonders if I can have both. I know our relationship is going to change, but do I have to cut him off completely? It feels like we’re in an actual relationship, which I haven’t had since high school. I like the notion that someone who doesn’t have to care about me or spend time with me wants to care about me and be with me. He misses me. He likes my body. He likes me, and I feel like I have a piece of his heart (I don’t want all of it because I wouldn’t know how to handle it anyway). I also feel like he needs me in some way. I’m not entirely sure if this is true, but it seems as if he’s opening up to me more and more and is beginning to consider me part of his go-to circle when he wants to vent.

I tell myself that when I get a job everything will right itself and I will not be tempted to compromise myself in any way. But who’s to say this is true? Why is a job the be-all and end-all? Probably because ever since I was little, I wanted the amazing job that paid for the amazing apartment and let me lead my amazing social life. I always pictured myself as together: Sex and the City without the sex part (although the sex has been creeping into my goal. See, compromised morals). To achieve this image would mean that I’ve accomplished my life’s goal, which should make me feel fulfilled. So theoretically, fulfillment is only a job away. The problem is that this goal is shallow and short-sighted. I don’t have real details of how I’m going to achieve this fabulous life. When they ask me in interviews what I want my life to be like in 5 years, I make something up on the spot. It would seem that I should face reality and make new life goals that have more substance and detail. But I don’t think I can do that because I feel like my first job will set me on my life path. In other words, I have no real idea what I want to do with my life and I’m just looking for a job to give me some kind of direction.

This is no way to live.

For the record..

When I get a prophetic word spoken over me, I like to write down the day, and even the time it was said so that I can look back and read it to remind me when I inevitably forget what God said. For some reason, I didn't do this last week, so here it is before I forget:

Saturday, April 10, 2010, at 8:49 p.m., my dad called me and said God put it in his spirit that He has a job for me, and that I will like it.

You have no idea (or maybe you do) how that made me feel. Earlier that day, my mom called me to say that I'd gotten a letter from the place where I'd had an interview weeks ago. Letters are never good, and I knew that if I'd gotten the job, they would've called me, but I still had some hope that maybe I was wrong. I wasn't. Even though I knew it was coming (they told me they'd have an answer in 3 weeks, it'd been 6), it still hurt and I cried like a baby on the phone while not trying to let my parents know I was crying. I really wanted that job. Like really. There was a small part of me that somehow wasn't too keen on the job, but the rest of me wanted it sooo bad. Hearing that I didn't get it was a dagger. I mean, how many rejections can a person take? My Plans A, B, and C failed. Plan A's, yea, you hope they come through, but it's not exactly certain, so you make a plan B. That's why people have Plan B colleges they apply to, so they know they have somewhere to go. Rarely do you ever hear about Plan B falling through, and who talks about Plan C's? So I was walking around with a heavy heart. Most of the day I was fine, but then at some point everyday I was having little panic attacks and mini-breakdowns because I have no idea what I'm doing after graduation, and when I saw a way up, inevitably I seemed to crash back down. Those times, my future looked...blank. That's a scary thought.

So that word was timely for me. Everything that my dad has told me is coming from the Lord has come, which is one reason why I hadn't had a full breakdown yet. He'd told me over the summer that God was planning on doing great things with me. So if I had this word, why was I so distraught over a simple little job that I probably won't keep for that long? I don't know. I guess I looked at it as something that was far off, that eventually I'd get there, but the steps to it were hazy and dim. To use a cliche, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I've been keeping scriptures like Jer 29 in my heart: "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." I'd begun to actually believe this when my dad gave me this word a week ago. The panic attacks had started to come less frequently, but the bad news about the job set me back like 2 weeks. Once, I tried to write about my fear of being a failure, but something in my spirit checked me. Confirmation is a good thing. So now that I know what's happening, I have more peace now. There's some part of me that's still a little anxious, hoping it's going to come before I graduate. But since it's coming, I'll keep the word close to me, and work on completely getting rid of the anxiety.

Can you really call it trusting in God if you're constantly worrying?

Thank God...

...that I didn't tank my GPA this semester. I was enjoying being a senior a little bit too much, but it's still at a decent level. I've got a lot of work to do this semester (sigh).

...for people pouring into my life and being concerned about my spiritual well-being. My pastor is so supportive!

...that I know He has a plan for me, because this job search is stressful and was starting to drive me crazy over the break.

...for helping me cut off people who were weren't good for me. I prayed and prayed, waiting for God to magically separate us, but He gave me the opportunity to simply say, "It's over." Felt good :)

...for new music. I just bought Adrianne Archie's new album, and I (mostly) like it! Talk to me in a few months, though, after I've really digested it. I love music with staying power. Favorite track at the moment: Strong.

That is all folks :)

Life path

See, three posts in one night :)

I like knowing why people do things. What is the reasoning and what outside factors are affecting them and how? But I don’t just want to know why people do things, I want to use that information to make arrangements to fit their unspoken desires, and help them that way. I don’t see myself being a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I want to use that info to come up with a plan to translate those unspoken desires into concrete solutions. For example, person or business tells me, “We do this process this way because of XYZ,” but after doing some research I find that the underlying cause is actually ABC. So then I could change the process to address the issues and make it better fit their needs. This sounds to me like management consulting, but I’m open to any other ideas that incorporate business and psychology.