I'm over it

*Btw, after that whole rant I had about my best friend, she called me two days later talking about how we need to stop these long breaks in between talking to each other (I'm pretty sure she doesn’t read this blog). After that it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I may have overreacted...

I was looking forward to this vacation from work, but now that it's here, I'm bored. Well, today I was bored. I’ve been going through so many emotions lately that it’s hard to trust my feelings. I’ve had so many conflicting feelings about school. It’s my senior year, the exciting and scary year that juniors dread and alumni constantly reminisce about. One part of me is just over it. I’m over the whole staying up all night studying (well, studying period), worrying about the event you’re planning, catering to the freshmen so they’ll keep your group going after you’re gone. I’m sick of it. I liked the work world and feeling like what I was doing was significant in some way, even if that way was that I could feed my ridiculous obsession with having money, even though I don’t like spending it. Since I must go to school, I just want to study to shore up my GPA, get a job, and have a good time. The only negotiable part is how I’m going to have a good time. I get satisfaction from my extra-curricular activities when I’m on top of things, and they turn out to be a success. The problem is the stress that comes with trying to make events successful. But I think my attitude for the next semester – not the year, I can’t think that far ahead – is to just get it done, and plan so that I have the least stress possible. The frustrating thing about this is that I feel like I should’ve had this attitude already in like, sophomore year. And in some ways, I’ve had it, but it hasn’t been entirely consistent. So now I feel like an idiot, even though I’ve mastered the art of looking like I have everything together. I hate that I constantly feel like I’m struggling to keep afloat. Maybe that’s why I liked working so much. I had a fresh slate, and I worked to take that opportunity and make a name for myself in the company. The actions I took had a direct effect on the results, unlike school, where I could work my butt off but still had no guarantee that I would succeed.
But I still feel like I’m missing the point. There’s a big empty space that supposed to be filled, but I feel like there’s a big hump I have to get over to get to the thing that’s supposed to fill me up. Really, I think my fluctuating emotions are a result of my fluctuating relationship with God. (Sidenote: I used to hate reading things where they would randomly start talking about God with no lead in, or have an obvious plot of ‘These were/are my problems, but I turned to/need to turn to God, and He fixed/will fix them.’ So I’m sorry if this seems like that, but really, I’ve been thinking about the reasoning behind these thoughts for quite some time now and I started noticing some patterns, so bear with me.) Whenever I’m talking to God regularly, I’m at peace with life. The craziest stuff will come up, but I freak out and then stay relatively calm because I know from experience, and not just from somebody’s grandma saying it, that God has an uncanny way of working things out. There’s this song by Othello (good rapper, you should check him out) called Elevator Music, and in the first line he says, “I guess that my stress is a direct effect of lack of elevation…” That’s exactly my problem. I hate that I feel like I write this every six months or so, but for some reason I keep doing this. I put myself on a rollercoaster that’s about to make me puke.