"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "That's a good question..."

I am unemployed. It’s not fun. I’ve been home for about a month now, and I’m starting to get bored. At first, it was like vacation. “No more pencils, no more books! No more teachers’ dirty looks!” But now I need to find a job or I will go crazy. I need purpose. I mean, I’ve started to exercise and play the piano more, and that gives me something to do each day. But they’re kind of pointless seeing as how I’d really rather gain weight to fit my clothes again and get my curves back and the piano doesn’t even hold the same magic it once did. I need something to stimulate my mind and not make me feel like I’m wasting my life, or as Friend with Special Place puts it, being an “oxygen thief.” (I would like to put “I feel like an oxygen thief” as my facebook status, but that will garner a lot of “what’s wrong?” questions. It sounds rather suicidal, which I’m not by any stretch of the imagination, so I’ll just leave that alone.) You would think I’d use this time to get back to where I used to be with God, but I believe Howard Dude is getting in the way. Which probably means I need to get rid of him. The thing about him is that he’s been through the same thing I’m going through right now, so it’s nice to have him there because he understands. We’re compatible on so many levels. All my friends who’ve seen us together think we’re great together and ask me why we aren’t dating. But being with him means that I will probably eventually compromise my morals (again) and I feel that the closer I get to God, the further I’ll get away from him. This sounds like a no-brainer: get rid of the dude who you’re not even in a real relationship with to be with the God of the universe who’s waiting to be there with you and for you. But a part of me wonders if I can have both. I know our relationship is going to change, but do I have to cut him off completely? It feels like we’re in an actual relationship, which I haven’t had since high school. I like the notion that someone who doesn’t have to care about me or spend time with me wants to care about me and be with me. He misses me. He likes my body. He likes me, and I feel like I have a piece of his heart (I don’t want all of it because I wouldn’t know how to handle it anyway). I also feel like he needs me in some way. I’m not entirely sure if this is true, but it seems as if he’s opening up to me more and more and is beginning to consider me part of his go-to circle when he wants to vent.

I tell myself that when I get a job everything will right itself and I will not be tempted to compromise myself in any way. But who’s to say this is true? Why is a job the be-all and end-all? Probably because ever since I was little, I wanted the amazing job that paid for the amazing apartment and let me lead my amazing social life. I always pictured myself as together: Sex and the City without the sex part (although the sex has been creeping into my goal. See, compromised morals). To achieve this image would mean that I’ve accomplished my life’s goal, which should make me feel fulfilled. So theoretically, fulfillment is only a job away. The problem is that this goal is shallow and short-sighted. I don’t have real details of how I’m going to achieve this fabulous life. When they ask me in interviews what I want my life to be like in 5 years, I make something up on the spot. It would seem that I should face reality and make new life goals that have more substance and detail. But I don’t think I can do that because I feel like my first job will set me on my life path. In other words, I have no real idea what I want to do with my life and I’m just looking for a job to give me some kind of direction.

This is no way to live.