I'm over it

*Btw, after that whole rant I had about my best friend, she called me two days later talking about how we need to stop these long breaks in between talking to each other (I'm pretty sure she doesn’t read this blog). After that it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I may have overreacted...

I was looking forward to this vacation from work, but now that it's here, I'm bored. Well, today I was bored. I’ve been going through so many emotions lately that it’s hard to trust my feelings. I’ve had so many conflicting feelings about school. It’s my senior year, the exciting and scary year that juniors dread and alumni constantly reminisce about. One part of me is just over it. I’m over the whole staying up all night studying (well, studying period), worrying about the event you’re planning, catering to the freshmen so they’ll keep your group going after you’re gone. I’m sick of it. I liked the work world and feeling like what I was doing was significant in some way, even if that way was that I could feed my ridiculous obsession with having money, even though I don’t like spending it. Since I must go to school, I just want to study to shore up my GPA, get a job, and have a good time. The only negotiable part is how I’m going to have a good time. I get satisfaction from my extra-curricular activities when I’m on top of things, and they turn out to be a success. The problem is the stress that comes with trying to make events successful. But I think my attitude for the next semester – not the year, I can’t think that far ahead – is to just get it done, and plan so that I have the least stress possible. The frustrating thing about this is that I feel like I should’ve had this attitude already in like, sophomore year. And in some ways, I’ve had it, but it hasn’t been entirely consistent. So now I feel like an idiot, even though I’ve mastered the art of looking like I have everything together. I hate that I constantly feel like I’m struggling to keep afloat. Maybe that’s why I liked working so much. I had a fresh slate, and I worked to take that opportunity and make a name for myself in the company. The actions I took had a direct effect on the results, unlike school, where I could work my butt off but still had no guarantee that I would succeed.
But I still feel like I’m missing the point. There’s a big empty space that supposed to be filled, but I feel like there’s a big hump I have to get over to get to the thing that’s supposed to fill me up. Really, I think my fluctuating emotions are a result of my fluctuating relationship with God. (Sidenote: I used to hate reading things where they would randomly start talking about God with no lead in, or have an obvious plot of ‘These were/are my problems, but I turned to/need to turn to God, and He fixed/will fix them.’ So I’m sorry if this seems like that, but really, I’ve been thinking about the reasoning behind these thoughts for quite some time now and I started noticing some patterns, so bear with me.) Whenever I’m talking to God regularly, I’m at peace with life. The craziest stuff will come up, but I freak out and then stay relatively calm because I know from experience, and not just from somebody’s grandma saying it, that God has an uncanny way of working things out. There’s this song by Othello (good rapper, you should check him out) called Elevator Music, and in the first line he says, “I guess that my stress is a direct effect of lack of elevation…” That’s exactly my problem. I hate that I feel like I write this every six months or so, but for some reason I keep doing this. I put myself on a rollercoaster that’s about to make me puke.

Miscellaneous things

It's been a while...

My cousin’s wedding was last weekend, and an uncle’s funeral was yesterday. One life begins, and another ends.

I’ve gotten pretty good at excel this summer. But when it decides that it doesn’t want to work and crash every half hour, a 2-hour job ends up taking all day.

Speaking of work, my last day is Friday (woohoo!). The official last day for the interns was this past Friday, but since I go back to school so late, I figured I’d make a little more money…the bills cometh…

I’m talking to a dude again that I met freshman year, when I told him that I would probably never see him again and didn’t want to talk to him. And three years, 2 more encounters, and hours of conversation later, I’m about to cut it off again. He can be the most annoying person sometimes, but he gets me. Like, really gets me. And it’s not like I’m blameless here at all. I start things up again when I’m feeling flirty and all, but when I get tired of him, I stop. He serves a specific purpose, and if that purpose isn’t fulfilled, I have no use for him. Cold, I know. But I expressly warned him that this is the way I am, and he knows from experience how I can be. Yet he still talks to me when I call him. “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” I thought about just giving in and dating him, because we have great conversations and great chemistry. But we disagree on all the important things in life, so we really need to stop. Or maybe I need to stop.

I feel like there’s a gulf growing between me and my best friend. The person she’s been in love with for like 5 years is finally paying attention to her – as a FRIEND – so I haven’t heard from her in a while. I expect this when she gets a new boo; we all do that. Somebody new comes in, we spend time with that person exclusively forever, and then look up one day and realize that we haven’t talked to our friends in about 2 months. I’m used to that, but I wasn’t prepared for someone that was supposed to just be a friend. We used to hang out when I got off work, or at least on the weekends. Now she doesn’t call me back, and if she does, she’s hanging out with dude. I got really pissed when I found out she’s been off work since Aug 4th, and hasn’t tried to hang out with me at all. And she’s finally going away to school – which I’m happy for her, cause she really wanted to go – but I know the gulf will get bigger over the next year. It’s sad facing this, but this is probably what she felt when I went away to school. But I did try to hang out with her when I was home. Yes, I am bitter. We’ve been friends for a looong time. We know each other inside out. But all things must change, I guess.

Someday, but not today

I am a sucker for a good romantic comedy. The puppy dog eyes, the cheesy lines, the sprints through the rain to get that one last (or first) kiss – I love all of it. But if anybody ever tried to say those things to me in real life…I might laugh in their face. Unless I actually liked them. For instance, I have a friend that I love to death now, but I liked him for the longest time before we became good friends. One day we were on the subway with some other friends coming back from church, and he pulled me to the side and out of the blue was like, “You are the reason I still believe there’s good in the world.” And then later on that same day we were talking and he said, “I don’t want you to change, I love you just the way you are.” I just about melted into the floor. But then I’ve had other guys say things like that to me, and I’m like, umm ok thanks. Now I’m in the boat that most people are in, where they want the love and affection of another person. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like that’s where I’m headed in the near future; I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be single right now. I want someone here, but I want someone that I really like and respect. I’ve kept a few guys around just to have somebody to flirt with when I felt like it. But the drama got old, and the effort to keep up with them was tiring. Lately, though, even the desire to flirt is fading. I just feel like I’m preparing for someone who isn’t too far away in the future. And even if he is a ways off, I’m strangely ok with that. As for the yearning for love and affection, it’s still there, but it’s waning. Thirstiness isn’t cute anyway. Besides, I’m a senior, so best believe my time will be spent looking for a job. I got loans to pay off.

Things I hate

I have many pet peeves, but one thing that grates on my nerves, is when it is clear that I am engrossed in a project, or doing something else, and somebody decides to ask an in-depth question that is completely out of the blue and expect a well-thought out and eloquent answer. Along the same lines, I don’t like when someone has been talking for an hour or more, and then asks me minutes after to summarize. I need time to digest what happened, look at my notes, or go through whatever handouts I have and remember the specific thoughts I had with each line. If I look like I'm concentrating, I probably am, so take a hint and don't bother me. Thanks.

Thoughts on Prayers

I've been thinking lately about the verse in James 5:16 that says, "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." It's the last portion that I don't entirely understand. To me, it's like saying, "The passionate, effectual prayer is the one that actually effects things." So what does "effectual" mean? When my research finally makes sense, I'll put up my explanation.

But the whole verse got me thinking about prayer in general. Sometimes I don't pray because I don't have anything to say. There are days when I don't feel like talking to anyone; things are going well, and nothing pressing happened during the day, so I don't speak. No need in wasting breath. It's the same way with God. The problem is that we're supposed to always pray, so I wind up sitting there like, "Well, God. I know I'm supposed to be talking to you, but I have nothing to say. So um, yea. Hello." So then I don't pray for three days, and by the third day, I feel empty, like I can feel that the Spirit has stopped communication. Of course, that's when something happens, and I go to God on my face asking Him to forgive me and to help me. Even if things stay the way they are, I feel like I missed something that God was going to say to me if I'd only kept talking to Him. It's not like God will reveal your life plan to you the one time that month you decide to talk to Him. When I pray consistently, I understand how to react to things; I feel the Spirit directing me, calming me when I get too upset, letting me know when I'm wrong or right.

See, I know the benefits of a relationship, but for some reason, I just can't get over that hump when I come to it. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Bills, Bills, Bills

So I'm talking with the other interns, and one of them says that she felt bad yesterday because she was too embarrassed to return something to Best Buy that she'd just bought, so she went to Target and spent like $200. First, I'm like, "Why couldn't you just wait till tomorrow or go to another store?" "I was going to, but I got lost." "You have a GPS system in your car. How did you get lost?" "I don't know, it just said destination reached, but I couldn't see how to get to it." *blank stare* I'm thinking, are you sure you made the dean's list at your school? I just let that one go, because she says some ditzy stuff sometimes. So then I asked,"No really, how much did you spend?" "My total came to 193 and change." *side eye* $200? Really? I mean, I love Target just as much as the next girl, and retail therapy is real, but to just go and drop that much because you couldn't find another store is ridiculous. And stupid. We don't get paid enough to be ballin like that. So we start asking her about what she has to pay and come to find out she doesn't have to pay for ANYTHING. Her parents pay her rent, utilities, tuition, and clothes (as long as they're "school-related," which means that they pay for everything). She basically only pays for her alcohol and $40 sushi dinners. Her parents want her to invest her money and start a retirement fund, and not have to worry about paying bills. But what good is building a nest egg if you won't have a nest to put it in when you turn 65? I'm not hatin cause her parents pay for stuff, because my parents are willing to pay for a lot. But if you're gonna take care of everything, at least teach them how to manage some kind of money, or you will be visiting your children in the poorhouse.

I'm too young for this

When I'm at school, I (speed)walk everywhere-to class, the library across campus, the meetings I'm forever late to, and even down the 24 flights in my highrise when the elevator breaks. But at home, I drive everywhere. And when I get to where I'm going, I sit. I also eat 3 solid meals (well more like 2.5), and drink water when I feel like it. But at school, I go through those 24-pack of water bottles and little juice bottles pretty quickly, and eat smaller meals about 5 times a day. So what does all this add up to? Five extra pounds when I'm home. That I have to lose in less than a month for my cousin's wedding. Silly me bought my bridesmaid dress when I first came home, a size smaller than I normally am during the summer, and now I can't breathe in the dress. Isn't this fantastic. I thought things like this weren't supposed to happen until you were like 30 or something. The sad thing is I have no motivation to work out. I used to be a workout fiend when I played basketball, running 3 miles a day, lifting weights, THEN going to practice. But that died when I left high school. I mean, why work that hard if you don't have to? I associate home with vacations and office jobs now, not a place to sweat it out in the basement. But I have to do something, cause I will end up passing out standing up there in front of that church lol

On the plus side, my booty's bigger :)