Dear Applicant

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest in this position, but QuietQueen, Inc. is no longer accepting applications for a muse, sidepiece, fling, or any other superficial and superfluous position. We also would normally tell you to check back in a few months when QuietQueen is hurting, feeling vulnerable, or just all around feeling depressed and wanting attention and entertainment, but we don't anticipate that someone of your pedigree will be able to fulfill those needs in a satisfactory manner as QuietQueen is currently growing and maturing.

Wishing you the best in your future endeavors,

HR

Transitional phase

This is the phase that no one talks about in speeches and biographies. And if they do, it’s often romanticized, and by the end of the book, it’s a distant memory while basking in the glory of your accomplishments, after you’ve “arrived.”

This is the phase when the things that happened in the past don’t matter as much anymore because you need something good to happen in the here and now.

This is the phase when you see glimmers of light and pray that you didn’t misread the signs, that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an oncoming train about to crush you.

This is the phase when I remember why I don’t write anything during phases like these, why there are big gaps in my diary. I don’t really want to remember this feeling and relive the pain. I know it will hurt a little to read a few months/years from now, whether because it was as bad as I thought it was, or because in the big scheme of things it was trivial and realizing that I wasted time worrying about it when I could’ve been doing other productive things.

I blame my parents…

Since I’ve gotten out of the house, I can see why my parents did a lot of the things they did, and I appreciate it much more now. The only thing that still bothers me a lot is the music thing. Since I was only allowed to listen to gospel, and even then, there were some gospel artists they still didn’t like, my repertoire of music is relatively small. I don’t know any of the so-called “classic” music – those songs and albums that every black person knows, or should know by the invisible Council of American Negroes. So now that I’m basically grown, people talk to me and expect me to know these things, but I’m like, um, yea, uber-sheltered kid here. I used to get a pity look and a sympathetic nod, but now it’s just a major side-eye or an incredulous “What?! You don’t know about ____??!!” So I just shrug; what can you say? I mean, you can’t catch up on 18+ years of music in 4 years at school. You can catch up on a lot, but you’ll never get to where the people are who’ve been listening to the stuff for a while. There’s a whole nostalgia thing attached to the song that I will never be able to get.

*reading over*

This sounds…real whiny, like the-other-kids-are-doing-it-so-why-can’t-I type thing. Or like a Christian that wants so hard to be like everybody else, and not be different. Even now, there’s a lot that I don’t even try to listen to cause I don’t feel like the possibility of being exposed to something that’s gonna mess me up. I know there is good non-gospel out there, but you have to wade through so much junk to get to it, I don’t know if it’s worth it. I guess I’m at the point where I’m leaning toward ignorance of what’s out there; in this case, ignorance is bliss.

Transition period

Being in a state of flux is uncomfortable. I’m not one for incessant anticipation, sitting on the edge of my seat for a seemingly interminable amount of time for the next event to pop out at me to scare the crap out of me. Then I just get angry and frustrated, but I still can’t stop watching. It's like a slow-moving train wreck. So I’m fighting to get out of the angry and frustrated phase, cause that’s no way to live. It’s mad stressful. Something is around the corner, whether it be a job, or feeling like I’ve finally come to the place in God I’m supposed to be right now. But I will keep praying, constantly, because I can’t do this life without knowing that I’m doing the things I’m supposed to be doing, that even if I’m struggling, that God has a purpose for it, that it’s not in vain. Friend with Special Place is always emphasizing the struggle part of it, but I just can’t dwell on that. As long as I know that God is with me, then I can deal with it a lot better. When I’m not sure if it’s me screwing up or God testing me, that’s when I freak out. As I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. It just seems like it’s been one thing after another, with people actin a fool for no reason, missing job opportunities by this much, and juggling school and credit card payments so my bank account doesn’t suddenly converge to zero, especially when there’s been things coming up that have been taking me away from working (but really, I wonder why I’m spending so much, cause I usually don’t do things like this. I feel like I’ve been constantly whipping out my school/debit/credit card. Mint.com here I come.) I really didn’t want to touch my savings this semester at all, and since I decided that, it’s been cut in half. Ohhhhh, life.

Just to give you an analogy for what I feel is going on: In football, when the receiver is running with the ball, there’s usually a line of people coming to tackle him. If he can get around that last dude and “turn that corner” to run up the sideline, then he could possibly go straight for the touchdown.** But even though he’s really close to getting clobbered, there’s a very real chance he could make it. I just know that if I don’t let despair and fear tackle me, I will be ok. Actually, I’ll be fantastic. The people who can “turn that corner” get put on the highlight reel. Not that that’s my goal, but you know what I’m saying; it’s a signal of a good play. I just try to think about the things that can come to me, the things I can accomplish when I defeat the things that are trying to defeat me. So here’s to overcoming.

He don’t want you sad, He wants you seeking
I watch and pray as I’m peeking
Have you now known, have you not heard
Isaiah 40:28 words?

- “Strong” by Adrianne Archie

**Shoutout to Dad for unknowingly teaching me lots of things about football over winter break.

Finally, a useful snowstorm

The last storm was on a weekend = useless. So in all my four years and snowstorms at school here, this is the first time we've had a snow day. So now I'm just hoping my job closes so I can write this paper.

I'm realizing all the time I've wasted at school, so now I'm gonna use this last semester to leave my imprint and do what I should have been doing for the last 4 years. So here goes...

Allergies in the winter, colds in the summer

When the weather changes, my allergies start acting up, whether it be winter time or summer. So with the weather going from summer to winter to summer to ridiculously cold winter again, my sinuses LOUDLY complain and enlist sneezes, itchy throats and watery eyes to help. When I can put my head down without crying and sneeze less than 4 times in a row, I will be back with an actual post. Stay warm!

Emo Facebook status

This is why I don’t like putting what’s actually on my mind in my statuses. Because if I have something I think is relevant, it’s sometimes slightly emo and an unintentional cry for help. And I don’t realize it until after I have like 3 comments asking “What’s wrong?!” I thought this status was just a reminder not to take anything for granted; a kind of inspirational message, but I guess not. Note to self: keep my actual thoughts to myself.