"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "That's a good question..."

I am unemployed. It’s not fun. I’ve been home for about a month now, and I’m starting to get bored. At first, it was like vacation. “No more pencils, no more books! No more teachers’ dirty looks!” But now I need to find a job or I will go crazy. I need purpose. I mean, I’ve started to exercise and play the piano more, and that gives me something to do each day. But they’re kind of pointless seeing as how I’d really rather gain weight to fit my clothes again and get my curves back and the piano doesn’t even hold the same magic it once did. I need something to stimulate my mind and not make me feel like I’m wasting my life, or as Friend with Special Place puts it, being an “oxygen thief.” (I would like to put “I feel like an oxygen thief” as my facebook status, but that will garner a lot of “what’s wrong?” questions. It sounds rather suicidal, which I’m not by any stretch of the imagination, so I’ll just leave that alone.) You would think I’d use this time to get back to where I used to be with God, but I believe Howard Dude is getting in the way. Which probably means I need to get rid of him. The thing about him is that he’s been through the same thing I’m going through right now, so it’s nice to have him there because he understands. We’re compatible on so many levels. All my friends who’ve seen us together think we’re great together and ask me why we aren’t dating. But being with him means that I will probably eventually compromise my morals (again) and I feel that the closer I get to God, the further I’ll get away from him. This sounds like a no-brainer: get rid of the dude who you’re not even in a real relationship with to be with the God of the universe who’s waiting to be there with you and for you. But a part of me wonders if I can have both. I know our relationship is going to change, but do I have to cut him off completely? It feels like we’re in an actual relationship, which I haven’t had since high school. I like the notion that someone who doesn’t have to care about me or spend time with me wants to care about me and be with me. He misses me. He likes my body. He likes me, and I feel like I have a piece of his heart (I don’t want all of it because I wouldn’t know how to handle it anyway). I also feel like he needs me in some way. I’m not entirely sure if this is true, but it seems as if he’s opening up to me more and more and is beginning to consider me part of his go-to circle when he wants to vent.

I tell myself that when I get a job everything will right itself and I will not be tempted to compromise myself in any way. But who’s to say this is true? Why is a job the be-all and end-all? Probably because ever since I was little, I wanted the amazing job that paid for the amazing apartment and let me lead my amazing social life. I always pictured myself as together: Sex and the City without the sex part (although the sex has been creeping into my goal. See, compromised morals). To achieve this image would mean that I’ve accomplished my life’s goal, which should make me feel fulfilled. So theoretically, fulfillment is only a job away. The problem is that this goal is shallow and short-sighted. I don’t have real details of how I’m going to achieve this fabulous life. When they ask me in interviews what I want my life to be like in 5 years, I make something up on the spot. It would seem that I should face reality and make new life goals that have more substance and detail. But I don’t think I can do that because I feel like my first job will set me on my life path. In other words, I have no real idea what I want to do with my life and I’m just looking for a job to give me some kind of direction.

This is no way to live.

I'm sprung

I think I'm pms'ing. I like this dude way too much. Like so much, it almost hurts. The 'I want to talk to him RIGHT NOW and if I don't I'm gonna go crazy' type of way. I want him here with me. Is he good for me? Eh, jury's still out. But my friends love him, he makes me laugh, and he's affectionate in a way that I've always wanted from a dude. There's a lot I could say about him, but right now, I kind of just want to revel in this feeling. It's been a while since I've felt this, and especially when it seems to be at least halfway mutual. Ah, mi vida.

A week left

All of my professors decided to have everything due at the same time. I have two papers due Wednesday, one Friday, and some project stuff that I completely forgot about due next week. It was way more squished together than that, but I got some stuff moved around. I have a lot to do, but I don't know where to start, and when I do start, I get writers block and my thoughts get even more scrambled than when I first sat down. I can't even look at all the facebook statuses like, "I'm done..FOREVER!!" Thanks for reminding me that I still have a week to go. Hopefully my GPA won't completely tank..

For the record..

When I get a prophetic word spoken over me, I like to write down the day, and even the time it was said so that I can look back and read it to remind me when I inevitably forget what God said. For some reason, I didn't do this last week, so here it is before I forget:

Saturday, April 10, 2010, at 8:49 p.m., my dad called me and said God put it in his spirit that He has a job for me, and that I will like it.

You have no idea (or maybe you do) how that made me feel. Earlier that day, my mom called me to say that I'd gotten a letter from the place where I'd had an interview weeks ago. Letters are never good, and I knew that if I'd gotten the job, they would've called me, but I still had some hope that maybe I was wrong. I wasn't. Even though I knew it was coming (they told me they'd have an answer in 3 weeks, it'd been 6), it still hurt and I cried like a baby on the phone while not trying to let my parents know I was crying. I really wanted that job. Like really. There was a small part of me that somehow wasn't too keen on the job, but the rest of me wanted it sooo bad. Hearing that I didn't get it was a dagger. I mean, how many rejections can a person take? My Plans A, B, and C failed. Plan A's, yea, you hope they come through, but it's not exactly certain, so you make a plan B. That's why people have Plan B colleges they apply to, so they know they have somewhere to go. Rarely do you ever hear about Plan B falling through, and who talks about Plan C's? So I was walking around with a heavy heart. Most of the day I was fine, but then at some point everyday I was having little panic attacks and mini-breakdowns because I have no idea what I'm doing after graduation, and when I saw a way up, inevitably I seemed to crash back down. Those times, my future looked...blank. That's a scary thought.

So that word was timely for me. Everything that my dad has told me is coming from the Lord has come, which is one reason why I hadn't had a full breakdown yet. He'd told me over the summer that God was planning on doing great things with me. So if I had this word, why was I so distraught over a simple little job that I probably won't keep for that long? I don't know. I guess I looked at it as something that was far off, that eventually I'd get there, but the steps to it were hazy and dim. To use a cliche, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I've been keeping scriptures like Jer 29 in my heart: "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." I'd begun to actually believe this when my dad gave me this word a week ago. The panic attacks had started to come less frequently, but the bad news about the job set me back like 2 weeks. Once, I tried to write about my fear of being a failure, but something in my spirit checked me. Confirmation is a good thing. So now that I know what's happening, I have more peace now. There's some part of me that's still a little anxious, hoping it's going to come before I graduate. But since it's coming, I'll keep the word close to me, and work on completely getting rid of the anxiety.

Can you really call it trusting in God if you're constantly worrying?

Dear Applicant

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest in this position, but QuietQueen, Inc. is no longer accepting applications for a muse, sidepiece, fling, or any other superficial and superfluous position. We also would normally tell you to check back in a few months when QuietQueen is hurting, feeling vulnerable, or just all around feeling depressed and wanting attention and entertainment, but we don't anticipate that someone of your pedigree will be able to fulfill those needs in a satisfactory manner as QuietQueen is currently growing and maturing.

Wishing you the best in your future endeavors,

HR

Transitional phase

This is the phase that no one talks about in speeches and biographies. And if they do, it’s often romanticized, and by the end of the book, it’s a distant memory while basking in the glory of your accomplishments, after you’ve “arrived.”

This is the phase when the things that happened in the past don’t matter as much anymore because you need something good to happen in the here and now.

This is the phase when you see glimmers of light and pray that you didn’t misread the signs, that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an oncoming train about to crush you.

This is the phase when I remember why I don’t write anything during phases like these, why there are big gaps in my diary. I don’t really want to remember this feeling and relive the pain. I know it will hurt a little to read a few months/years from now, whether because it was as bad as I thought it was, or because in the big scheme of things it was trivial and realizing that I wasted time worrying about it when I could’ve been doing other productive things.

I blame my parents…

Since I’ve gotten out of the house, I can see why my parents did a lot of the things they did, and I appreciate it much more now. The only thing that still bothers me a lot is the music thing. Since I was only allowed to listen to gospel, and even then, there were some gospel artists they still didn’t like, my repertoire of music is relatively small. I don’t know any of the so-called “classic” music – those songs and albums that every black person knows, or should know by the invisible Council of American Negroes. So now that I’m basically grown, people talk to me and expect me to know these things, but I’m like, um, yea, uber-sheltered kid here. I used to get a pity look and a sympathetic nod, but now it’s just a major side-eye or an incredulous “What?! You don’t know about ____??!!” So I just shrug; what can you say? I mean, you can’t catch up on 18+ years of music in 4 years at school. You can catch up on a lot, but you’ll never get to where the people are who’ve been listening to the stuff for a while. There’s a whole nostalgia thing attached to the song that I will never be able to get.

*reading over*

This sounds…real whiny, like the-other-kids-are-doing-it-so-why-can’t-I type thing. Or like a Christian that wants so hard to be like everybody else, and not be different. Even now, there’s a lot that I don’t even try to listen to cause I don’t feel like the possibility of being exposed to something that’s gonna mess me up. I know there is good non-gospel out there, but you have to wade through so much junk to get to it, I don’t know if it’s worth it. I guess I’m at the point where I’m leaning toward ignorance of what’s out there; in this case, ignorance is bliss.

Transition period

Being in a state of flux is uncomfortable. I’m not one for incessant anticipation, sitting on the edge of my seat for a seemingly interminable amount of time for the next event to pop out at me to scare the crap out of me. Then I just get angry and frustrated, but I still can’t stop watching. It's like a slow-moving train wreck. So I’m fighting to get out of the angry and frustrated phase, cause that’s no way to live. It’s mad stressful. Something is around the corner, whether it be a job, or feeling like I’ve finally come to the place in God I’m supposed to be right now. But I will keep praying, constantly, because I can’t do this life without knowing that I’m doing the things I’m supposed to be doing, that even if I’m struggling, that God has a purpose for it, that it’s not in vain. Friend with Special Place is always emphasizing the struggle part of it, but I just can’t dwell on that. As long as I know that God is with me, then I can deal with it a lot better. When I’m not sure if it’s me screwing up or God testing me, that’s when I freak out. As I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. It just seems like it’s been one thing after another, with people actin a fool for no reason, missing job opportunities by this much, and juggling school and credit card payments so my bank account doesn’t suddenly converge to zero, especially when there’s been things coming up that have been taking me away from working (but really, I wonder why I’m spending so much, cause I usually don’t do things like this. I feel like I’ve been constantly whipping out my school/debit/credit card. Mint.com here I come.) I really didn’t want to touch my savings this semester at all, and since I decided that, it’s been cut in half. Ohhhhh, life.

Just to give you an analogy for what I feel is going on: In football, when the receiver is running with the ball, there’s usually a line of people coming to tackle him. If he can get around that last dude and “turn that corner” to run up the sideline, then he could possibly go straight for the touchdown.** But even though he’s really close to getting clobbered, there’s a very real chance he could make it. I just know that if I don’t let despair and fear tackle me, I will be ok. Actually, I’ll be fantastic. The people who can “turn that corner” get put on the highlight reel. Not that that’s my goal, but you know what I’m saying; it’s a signal of a good play. I just try to think about the things that can come to me, the things I can accomplish when I defeat the things that are trying to defeat me. So here’s to overcoming.

He don’t want you sad, He wants you seeking
I watch and pray as I’m peeking
Have you now known, have you not heard
Isaiah 40:28 words?

- “Strong” by Adrianne Archie

**Shoutout to Dad for unknowingly teaching me lots of things about football over winter break.

Finally, a useful snowstorm

The last storm was on a weekend = useless. So in all my four years and snowstorms at school here, this is the first time we've had a snow day. So now I'm just hoping my job closes so I can write this paper.

I'm realizing all the time I've wasted at school, so now I'm gonna use this last semester to leave my imprint and do what I should have been doing for the last 4 years. So here goes...

Allergies in the winter, colds in the summer

When the weather changes, my allergies start acting up, whether it be winter time or summer. So with the weather going from summer to winter to summer to ridiculously cold winter again, my sinuses LOUDLY complain and enlist sneezes, itchy throats and watery eyes to help. When I can put my head down without crying and sneeze less than 4 times in a row, I will be back with an actual post. Stay warm!

Emo Facebook status

This is why I don’t like putting what’s actually on my mind in my statuses. Because if I have something I think is relevant, it’s sometimes slightly emo and an unintentional cry for help. And I don’t realize it until after I have like 3 comments asking “What’s wrong?!” I thought this status was just a reminder not to take anything for granted; a kind of inspirational message, but I guess not. Note to self: keep my actual thoughts to myself.

What would you do?

My coworker is gay, and he told me some story about his (gay) best friend stealing a guy from him when he was trying to talk to him, all while said friend is in a monogamous relationship (A lot of gay dudes I've met are catty. Like Mean Girls, high school catty). What do I say to that? “Excuse me, I’m a Christian and I don’t agree with homosexuality, so I really don’t want to talk about this with you.” Something like that would lead to a whole discussion about me being homophobic, hostile feelings, and possibly a trip to HR. I didn’t really say much except “wow” or “that’s really mean.” My face didn’t look all that interested (so he says), but I was thinking frantically, “O my God, what do I do??!!” and quickly found a way to change the subject without being rude (I hope). The thing is, I don’t have a problem with hanging out with gay people. I’ll do regular, non-gay, things like go out to eat with them, chill with them in somebody’s room, laugh and talk. But do not ask me to go to the gay clubs or drag queen fashion show with you. I do not want to participate. The thing is, situations like my co-worker’s happen to both homo and hetero-sexual relationships, so does it matter if I talk about it? Am I encouraging behavior that I don’t agree with or cosigning it simply by not saying I disagree with it? Inquiring minds want to know.

PSA: You ain't special

I seem to attract dudes who think that God used a different type of dirt to make them. They think that their thought process is completely different from everyone else, which is one reason (they think) that causes them to not really fit into one particular set of people. They’re a little more republican than democrat, don’t feel like they fit into either the black or white world (I've only dated black guys), have a major in something like economics or political science, and plan to go into something government related. They’re also very talkative and mostly friendly but question many things that people take at face value or are too "lazy" to think about. It's not that these are necessarily bad things, but I wonder sometimes what it is about these dudes that I like so much. I can't take much more of the arrogance. Even when I meet someone completely random, they're pretty close to this mold. Some of them are the poster children for our entitled generation, and I just want to tell them, "Sweetie, I know they told you this in kindergarten, but you ain't special!"

Thank God...

...that I didn't tank my GPA this semester. I was enjoying being a senior a little bit too much, but it's still at a decent level. I've got a lot of work to do this semester (sigh).

...for people pouring into my life and being concerned about my spiritual well-being. My pastor is so supportive!

...that I know He has a plan for me, because this job search is stressful and was starting to drive me crazy over the break.

...for helping me cut off people who were weren't good for me. I prayed and prayed, waiting for God to magically separate us, but He gave me the opportunity to simply say, "It's over." Felt good :)

...for new music. I just bought Adrianne Archie's new album, and I (mostly) like it! Talk to me in a few months, though, after I've really digested it. I love music with staying power. Favorite track at the moment: Strong.

That is all folks :)