Friend with Special Place (I really need a shorter name for him) texted me the other day and said, “I remember when you were on fire for Christ during that conference last year. I miss that.” This really made me mad. I wanted to tell him off because
1) I wasn’t even that on fire for God during this time last year. There were other times much later in the year when I was really ready for God to take over.
2) “I miss that.” I miss that? When I did say something to him about God, he wouldn’t listen to me, so what is he missing?
3) on that same note, that wasn’t exactly an encouraging text, like, “I see you’re struggling with your relationship with God, but I’m praying for you.” I could see him sitting there thinking and reminiscing about last year, when I sent him a few texts about it. It’s just funny to me because I was so sick of that conference and was ready to leave. I was more in awe of the level of spirituality of people my age and ashamed at my lack of spiritual maturity and zeal for God than actually being on fire for God.
4) I’m tired of him looking down on me from his pedestal. I talk reckless things to my friends to get it out of my system, but he hasn’t separated what I say from what I actually do. Yes, I’ve been in pimp mode, but him giving me that judging look doesn’t help that much; it just makes me mad. Just pray for me and shut up. God takes much better care of me than you do.
5) he barely believes in God. He thinks that God answers everyone’s prayers but his own and God’s only out to stab him in the back. Maybe he wants me to be his one hope that God isn’t out to get us, but please, sweetie, take that plank out of your eye.
6) he’s right. I know I’ve been slipping, and part of me is grateful for those judging looks and words. They give me a reality check, and make me see how far I’ve gone and give me some motivation to get back in line.

Bestie talked me out of telling him off, mostly because of # 6. But if he does it again, I’m going to say something. This isn't cool.

Vacation musings

As I said earlier, I’m over my extra-curriculars. One of them has these conferences all the time, but I really don’t think I can come up with the money to go this year. If there were a couple others going with me, then I could’ve applied for a grant and paid nothing. But now that it’s just me, I have to pay close to $400. My advisor isn’t too happy that I won’t be going, but nobody is going to convince my parents to let me fly by myself, and she isn’t going to convince me to spend $400 if she’s not kicking in; I have to buy books next semester.

I told myself I would use this time to get in the spirit when I pray, and make my list of scriptures for various situations. This is so important for next semester so I don’t drive myself crazy. There is no way a child of God should be worried about these things.

Oh PMS, you have caused me to apologize more often than I should have to. Please go away. ASAP.

I've taken my last undergraduate accounting class!

I'm talking (in a way) to a dude I'll call Yellow Sweater, but he's too thirsty. Yesterday, he sent me a good morning text, then called me at 1:53 PM, and when I didn’t pick up, he sent me a text at 1:54 like “Are you ignoring me?” Um, yes. This is not the first time I’ve ignored you, why is this puzzling? And maybe I’m busy, did you think about that, stalker?

Why is my ex texting me now?

Christmas vacation is…eh. There were so many things that I wanted to use this break to accomplish, but now that I have time, I don’t feel like doing any of it.
Being able to go out without thinking about the ton of work I need to do is fantastic, but I need to do a bunch of things to get myself ready for my last semester in college (wow).

When it rains, it pours

I’m in pimp mode. There are times when I just feel like flirting, and when that happens, I will do so with any dude who even glances my way. I could go into the psychological reasoning behind all of it, but that’s really not the point of this post. I’m talking (in a way) to a dude who’s 8 years older than I am. He’s cool and all, but I know he’s looking to steer this thing toward a relationship, and that is most definitely not where my head is at. Then Diesel came by to see me one day, and when he comes, we always have a little bit of flirting going on. But then he brought one of his friends. I’d met this friend before, but I’d thought he was too arrogant and full of himself. Which he is. But this time, I was in a flirty mood, he was obviously in the same mood, and we hit it off. Fun times had by all. Then I get home, and my ex from high school wants to randomly catch up since we hadn’t spoken in a while. Um, why do we need to speak? We don’t even acknowledge each other when we pass each other on the Walk. But I’m still curious. My dad was never too fond of him and was telling me all these reckless things to do to stick it to him for all the drama he put me through. But that was four years ago; I’m over it. I just remember that the one time I did talk to him, he seemed very different - his whole vibe was different. So I'm going to be nosy and see what exactly is different.

Here's to a non-awkward evening...

Life path

See, three posts in one night :)

I like knowing why people do things. What is the reasoning and what outside factors are affecting them and how? But I don’t just want to know why people do things, I want to use that information to make arrangements to fit their unspoken desires, and help them that way. I don’t see myself being a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I want to use that info to come up with a plan to translate those unspoken desires into concrete solutions. For example, person or business tells me, “We do this process this way because of XYZ,” but after doing some research I find that the underlying cause is actually ABC. So then I could change the process to address the issues and make it better fit their needs. This sounds to me like management consulting, but I’m open to any other ideas that incorporate business and psychology.

Umm...

Saw this in a store today. A pic of Lionel Ritchie looking fierce does not make me want a free calendar...

Bringing up old problems

I've actually written a lot of things in the past month, and will be posting soon :)

When I hear something I don't like, I don't always say something right away because I haven't decided yet how I feel. And so if I start talking about it I’ll more than likely get too emotional and won't get out what I need to say. So then I end up revisiting it multiple times over, which I think is more stressful and annoying then telling you about it later when I know exactly what the problem is. So how do I resolve this issue? How do I make my brain go faster and understand my reactions and emotions in two minutes when I'm used to taking days to get it together?

Jesus loves the little children...

I realized the love of God today (well, yesterday, while sitting in church). In Isaiah 55, the pastor was emphasizing the forgiveness of God – the sure mercies of David. He especially pointed out verse 7 that says He will abundantly pardon. David did so many things, on purpose things, but God still called him a man after his own heart. This stuff I already knew though. I was sitting there and thought of the verse in I John 4 that says that we love God because he first loved us. I just didn’t see a reason for my lack of self-esteem. God is chasing after me, wanting me to be closer to him, setting up circumstances so that all I have to do is walk into them and I will have all the love that I want. What got me about this is this is what I feel about Friend with Special Place in my Heart sometimes. I have done everything for him. I’ve pretty much been his girlfriend since we got back to school, but he doesn’t fully see that (he sees it, but he doesn’t see how it hurts sometimes when he puts up walls for no reason. I’ve given him no indication that I would betray him, yet he still believes that. It’s an affront on my character, which hurts that after all this time he doesn’t see who I am and how I feel about him. But that’s another story for another day). And I looked at what it’s like to be on the other side. Maybe this isn’t a good thing, but part of me was like, man, I give this dude a lot of love, and all he has to do is say yes, and I would give him even more. Wow, I really love this dude. But it was nice to realize that for once I was wanted. That if I made the effort, and it wasn’t even a really big effort, I could have all the love in the world that I wanted. God was just sitting there waiting for me, and it floored me to realize that he wants me. He wants the good and the bad of me, and is ok with my faults. He wants to gently change me, not rip me to pieces to break me down. I don’t really have to do anything to deserve His love. He accepts me for me. He loves my natural hair because he made it. My lips because he made them. My small hips and thighs because he made them. The things that he’s said about me will come to pass. If I stay with him, he won’t let me become a failure at life. I will do great things and affect people in a positive way. I can take for granted the things that he says, because His word cannot turn back to him void.