Transition period

Being in a state of flux is uncomfortable. I’m not one for incessant anticipation, sitting on the edge of my seat for a seemingly interminable amount of time for the next event to pop out at me to scare the crap out of me. Then I just get angry and frustrated, but I still can’t stop watching. It's like a slow-moving train wreck. So I’m fighting to get out of the angry and frustrated phase, cause that’s no way to live. It’s mad stressful. Something is around the corner, whether it be a job, or feeling like I’ve finally come to the place in God I’m supposed to be right now. But I will keep praying, constantly, because I can’t do this life without knowing that I’m doing the things I’m supposed to be doing, that even if I’m struggling, that God has a purpose for it, that it’s not in vain. Friend with Special Place is always emphasizing the struggle part of it, but I just can’t dwell on that. As long as I know that God is with me, then I can deal with it a lot better. When I’m not sure if it’s me screwing up or God testing me, that’s when I freak out. As I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. It just seems like it’s been one thing after another, with people actin a fool for no reason, missing job opportunities by this much, and juggling school and credit card payments so my bank account doesn’t suddenly converge to zero, especially when there’s been things coming up that have been taking me away from working (but really, I wonder why I’m spending so much, cause I usually don’t do things like this. I feel like I’ve been constantly whipping out my school/debit/credit card. Mint.com here I come.) I really didn’t want to touch my savings this semester at all, and since I decided that, it’s been cut in half. Ohhhhh, life.

Just to give you an analogy for what I feel is going on: In football, when the receiver is running with the ball, there’s usually a line of people coming to tackle him. If he can get around that last dude and “turn that corner” to run up the sideline, then he could possibly go straight for the touchdown.** But even though he’s really close to getting clobbered, there’s a very real chance he could make it. I just know that if I don’t let despair and fear tackle me, I will be ok. Actually, I’ll be fantastic. The people who can “turn that corner” get put on the highlight reel. Not that that’s my goal, but you know what I’m saying; it’s a signal of a good play. I just try to think about the things that can come to me, the things I can accomplish when I defeat the things that are trying to defeat me. So here’s to overcoming.

He don’t want you sad, He wants you seeking
I watch and pray as I’m peeking
Have you now known, have you not heard
Isaiah 40:28 words?

- “Strong” by Adrianne Archie

**Shoutout to Dad for unknowingly teaching me lots of things about football over winter break.

Finally, a useful snowstorm

The last storm was on a weekend = useless. So in all my four years and snowstorms at school here, this is the first time we've had a snow day. So now I'm just hoping my job closes so I can write this paper.

I'm realizing all the time I've wasted at school, so now I'm gonna use this last semester to leave my imprint and do what I should have been doing for the last 4 years. So here goes...

Allergies in the winter, colds in the summer

When the weather changes, my allergies start acting up, whether it be winter time or summer. So with the weather going from summer to winter to summer to ridiculously cold winter again, my sinuses LOUDLY complain and enlist sneezes, itchy throats and watery eyes to help. When I can put my head down without crying and sneeze less than 4 times in a row, I will be back with an actual post. Stay warm!

Emo Facebook status

This is why I don’t like putting what’s actually on my mind in my statuses. Because if I have something I think is relevant, it’s sometimes slightly emo and an unintentional cry for help. And I don’t realize it until after I have like 3 comments asking “What’s wrong?!” I thought this status was just a reminder not to take anything for granted; a kind of inspirational message, but I guess not. Note to self: keep my actual thoughts to myself.

What would you do?

My coworker is gay, and he told me some story about his (gay) best friend stealing a guy from him when he was trying to talk to him, all while said friend is in a monogamous relationship (A lot of gay dudes I've met are catty. Like Mean Girls, high school catty). What do I say to that? “Excuse me, I’m a Christian and I don’t agree with homosexuality, so I really don’t want to talk about this with you.” Something like that would lead to a whole discussion about me being homophobic, hostile feelings, and possibly a trip to HR. I didn’t really say much except “wow” or “that’s really mean.” My face didn’t look all that interested (so he says), but I was thinking frantically, “O my God, what do I do??!!” and quickly found a way to change the subject without being rude (I hope). The thing is, I don’t have a problem with hanging out with gay people. I’ll do regular, non-gay, things like go out to eat with them, chill with them in somebody’s room, laugh and talk. But do not ask me to go to the gay clubs or drag queen fashion show with you. I do not want to participate. The thing is, situations like my co-worker’s happen to both homo and hetero-sexual relationships, so does it matter if I talk about it? Am I encouraging behavior that I don’t agree with or cosigning it simply by not saying I disagree with it? Inquiring minds want to know.

PSA: You ain't special

I seem to attract dudes who think that God used a different type of dirt to make them. They think that their thought process is completely different from everyone else, which is one reason (they think) that causes them to not really fit into one particular set of people. They’re a little more republican than democrat, don’t feel like they fit into either the black or white world (I've only dated black guys), have a major in something like economics or political science, and plan to go into something government related. They’re also very talkative and mostly friendly but question many things that people take at face value or are too "lazy" to think about. It's not that these are necessarily bad things, but I wonder sometimes what it is about these dudes that I like so much. I can't take much more of the arrogance. Even when I meet someone completely random, they're pretty close to this mold. Some of them are the poster children for our entitled generation, and I just want to tell them, "Sweetie, I know they told you this in kindergarten, but you ain't special!"

Thank God...

...that I didn't tank my GPA this semester. I was enjoying being a senior a little bit too much, but it's still at a decent level. I've got a lot of work to do this semester (sigh).

...for people pouring into my life and being concerned about my spiritual well-being. My pastor is so supportive!

...that I know He has a plan for me, because this job search is stressful and was starting to drive me crazy over the break.

...for helping me cut off people who were weren't good for me. I prayed and prayed, waiting for God to magically separate us, but He gave me the opportunity to simply say, "It's over." Felt good :)

...for new music. I just bought Adrianne Archie's new album, and I (mostly) like it! Talk to me in a few months, though, after I've really digested it. I love music with staying power. Favorite track at the moment: Strong.

That is all folks :)