Early reflections

Every year on New Years Eve, I write in my journal before I go out anywhere about what I’ve done over the year, how I felt about it, and what I want to do in the next year. The usual stuff. Unfortunately, I left my journal at school, so that probably won’t be happening. So as a quick (and early) summary, this year hasn’t been the greatest, although I’ve been tremendously blessed. I’ve screwed up a lot of things, and made my life a lot more complicated than it had to be. For me, it’s worse knowing it’s my own fault that things didn’t go right than if someone else had a hand in it. But all I can do now is look forward. I’ll be graduating next year, and there are so many things that go along with that that I’m ready to jump into. I need this phase of my life to be done.

Friend with Special Place (I really need a shorter name for him) texted me the other day and said, “I remember when you were on fire for Christ during that conference last year. I miss that.” This really made me mad. I wanted to tell him off because
1) I wasn’t even that on fire for God during this time last year. There were other times much later in the year when I was really ready for God to take over.
2) “I miss that.” I miss that? When I did say something to him about God, he wouldn’t listen to me, so what is he missing?
3) on that same note, that wasn’t exactly an encouraging text, like, “I see you’re struggling with your relationship with God, but I’m praying for you.” I could see him sitting there thinking and reminiscing about last year, when I sent him a few texts about it. It’s just funny to me because I was so sick of that conference and was ready to leave. I was more in awe of the level of spirituality of people my age and ashamed at my lack of spiritual maturity and zeal for God than actually being on fire for God.
4) I’m tired of him looking down on me from his pedestal. I talk reckless things to my friends to get it out of my system, but he hasn’t separated what I say from what I actually do. Yes, I’ve been in pimp mode, but him giving me that judging look doesn’t help that much; it just makes me mad. Just pray for me and shut up. God takes much better care of me than you do.
5) he barely believes in God. He thinks that God answers everyone’s prayers but his own and God’s only out to stab him in the back. Maybe he wants me to be his one hope that God isn’t out to get us, but please, sweetie, take that plank out of your eye.
6) he’s right. I know I’ve been slipping, and part of me is grateful for those judging looks and words. They give me a reality check, and make me see how far I’ve gone and give me some motivation to get back in line.

Bestie talked me out of telling him off, mostly because of # 6. But if he does it again, I’m going to say something. This isn't cool.

Vacation musings

As I said earlier, I’m over my extra-curriculars. One of them has these conferences all the time, but I really don’t think I can come up with the money to go this year. If there were a couple others going with me, then I could’ve applied for a grant and paid nothing. But now that it’s just me, I have to pay close to $400. My advisor isn’t too happy that I won’t be going, but nobody is going to convince my parents to let me fly by myself, and she isn’t going to convince me to spend $400 if she’s not kicking in; I have to buy books next semester.

I told myself I would use this time to get in the spirit when I pray, and make my list of scriptures for various situations. This is so important for next semester so I don’t drive myself crazy. There is no way a child of God should be worried about these things.

Oh PMS, you have caused me to apologize more often than I should have to. Please go away. ASAP.

I've taken my last undergraduate accounting class!

I'm talking (in a way) to a dude I'll call Yellow Sweater, but he's too thirsty. Yesterday, he sent me a good morning text, then called me at 1:53 PM, and when I didn’t pick up, he sent me a text at 1:54 like “Are you ignoring me?” Um, yes. This is not the first time I’ve ignored you, why is this puzzling? And maybe I’m busy, did you think about that, stalker?

Why is my ex texting me now?

Christmas vacation is…eh. There were so many things that I wanted to use this break to accomplish, but now that I have time, I don’t feel like doing any of it.
Being able to go out without thinking about the ton of work I need to do is fantastic, but I need to do a bunch of things to get myself ready for my last semester in college (wow).

When it rains, it pours

I’m in pimp mode. There are times when I just feel like flirting, and when that happens, I will do so with any dude who even glances my way. I could go into the psychological reasoning behind all of it, but that’s really not the point of this post. I’m talking (in a way) to a dude who’s 8 years older than I am. He’s cool and all, but I know he’s looking to steer this thing toward a relationship, and that is most definitely not where my head is at. Then Diesel came by to see me one day, and when he comes, we always have a little bit of flirting going on. But then he brought one of his friends. I’d met this friend before, but I’d thought he was too arrogant and full of himself. Which he is. But this time, I was in a flirty mood, he was obviously in the same mood, and we hit it off. Fun times had by all. Then I get home, and my ex from high school wants to randomly catch up since we hadn’t spoken in a while. Um, why do we need to speak? We don’t even acknowledge each other when we pass each other on the Walk. But I’m still curious. My dad was never too fond of him and was telling me all these reckless things to do to stick it to him for all the drama he put me through. But that was four years ago; I’m over it. I just remember that the one time I did talk to him, he seemed very different - his whole vibe was different. So I'm going to be nosy and see what exactly is different.

Here's to a non-awkward evening...

Life path

See, three posts in one night :)

I like knowing why people do things. What is the reasoning and what outside factors are affecting them and how? But I don’t just want to know why people do things, I want to use that information to make arrangements to fit their unspoken desires, and help them that way. I don’t see myself being a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I want to use that info to come up with a plan to translate those unspoken desires into concrete solutions. For example, person or business tells me, “We do this process this way because of XYZ,” but after doing some research I find that the underlying cause is actually ABC. So then I could change the process to address the issues and make it better fit their needs. This sounds to me like management consulting, but I’m open to any other ideas that incorporate business and psychology.

Umm...

Saw this in a store today. A pic of Lionel Ritchie looking fierce does not make me want a free calendar...

Bringing up old problems

I've actually written a lot of things in the past month, and will be posting soon :)

When I hear something I don't like, I don't always say something right away because I haven't decided yet how I feel. And so if I start talking about it I’ll more than likely get too emotional and won't get out what I need to say. So then I end up revisiting it multiple times over, which I think is more stressful and annoying then telling you about it later when I know exactly what the problem is. So how do I resolve this issue? How do I make my brain go faster and understand my reactions and emotions in two minutes when I'm used to taking days to get it together?

Jesus loves the little children...

I realized the love of God today (well, yesterday, while sitting in church). In Isaiah 55, the pastor was emphasizing the forgiveness of God – the sure mercies of David. He especially pointed out verse 7 that says He will abundantly pardon. David did so many things, on purpose things, but God still called him a man after his own heart. This stuff I already knew though. I was sitting there and thought of the verse in I John 4 that says that we love God because he first loved us. I just didn’t see a reason for my lack of self-esteem. God is chasing after me, wanting me to be closer to him, setting up circumstances so that all I have to do is walk into them and I will have all the love that I want. What got me about this is this is what I feel about Friend with Special Place in my Heart sometimes. I have done everything for him. I’ve pretty much been his girlfriend since we got back to school, but he doesn’t fully see that (he sees it, but he doesn’t see how it hurts sometimes when he puts up walls for no reason. I’ve given him no indication that I would betray him, yet he still believes that. It’s an affront on my character, which hurts that after all this time he doesn’t see who I am and how I feel about him. But that’s another story for another day). And I looked at what it’s like to be on the other side. Maybe this isn’t a good thing, but part of me was like, man, I give this dude a lot of love, and all he has to do is say yes, and I would give him even more. Wow, I really love this dude. But it was nice to realize that for once I was wanted. That if I made the effort, and it wasn’t even a really big effort, I could have all the love in the world that I wanted. God was just sitting there waiting for me, and it floored me to realize that he wants me. He wants the good and the bad of me, and is ok with my faults. He wants to gently change me, not rip me to pieces to break me down. I don’t really have to do anything to deserve His love. He accepts me for me. He loves my natural hair because he made it. My lips because he made them. My small hips and thighs because he made them. The things that he’s said about me will come to pass. If I stay with him, he won’t let me become a failure at life. I will do great things and affect people in a positive way. I can take for granted the things that he says, because His word cannot turn back to him void.

Can you overdose on church?

I was reading an article over on the Freshxpress.com (http://thefreshxpress.com/2009/02/high-christians-edit-in-progress/) and it got me thinking. For those of you too lazy to click the link, the writer Mike Scruggs is talking about the “I need me some church” phenomenon. People go to church to escape the hard things in their life, looking for uplifting songs and sermons that make them feel good for those 2-3 hours (or longer if you go to a Pentecostal church). Unfortunately, there are no real points or lessons that actually make it back to your house to help you change your situation. Church is simply a drug used to get “high.”
So I asked myself, if church is a drug, what does it mean when you overdose? This may be over-extending the analogy, but it’s something to consider. Is there a point when you get too much church? I frequently feel like I’ve gotten too much before. For those of you judging me right now for my heathen-ness, bear with me for a bit. I grew up in one of those strict Christian homes where we weren’t allowed to listen to any secular music, we attended service a lot (my dad was a pastor), AND I went to a Christian school. My entire life was church, church, and more church. I got tired of it just like any kid would, but it was life. There was nothing I could do about it, so I just accepted it and learned to deal with it. When I got out, I realized that all that stuff I’d learned was true – and actually useful. So I involved myself in campus ministries and ingrained myself at a really great church. But during one of the many conferences I attended with the ministry and church, I realized that I was sick of it. I was sick of being holed up in a hotel listening to powerful word after powerful word, and not being able to really do anything with it right there, instead making promises to God with New Years-like resolutions of how things would be different once I got back home. Believe it or not, during those times when I was surrounded by Christians 24/7, I prayed much less than I would if I was home. I was resting on the collective spiritual glow of everyone around me. For three days I lived off of a feeling of being close to God, the electric energy of the worship, and the fervor and earnestness of those around me. However, by the end, those fuzzy feelings had worn out, and I was ready to go. I was so filled up with the word, I literally felt like I wanted to throw up. Here, ladies and gents, is what an overdose looks like. You get so filled up with the word until it all becomes one long string of trite Church-isms.
So how do you detox? Get it out of your system. Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom.” This may just be talking about the physical act of giving, but I think you can generalize it to giving of yourself. So if you’re getting so much word, you should find ways to live it out in your day to day life. Then, instead of living for a high from Sunday service, you get a steady dose of the drug and have genuine joy all during the week. Which I think is much better than having that crash after the high.

Energy

I have a lot of love to give. I have some energy deep down that’s trying to get out and attach itself to something. Until I find out what that is and what life has for me in the near and distant future, I guess I’ll have to deal and pray more. Living in the moment is rather foreign to me, but unexpected twists and turns are pretty run-of-the-mill in this thing called life.


But for the moment, I want to get this slightly negative energy off my chest.

Dear Roomie, thanks for finally cleaning up your mess. I know some of that was mine, and I take responsibility for my mess (and cleaned it), but this was probably the first time you’ve cleaned since we’ve gotten to school. And we’ve been here a month.

To the rest of my roomies: I love you all, and you’re very entertaining. Except for when I’m trying to study for an exam. Pipe down.

To the president and board of my resume-boosting extra-curricular activity that I’m SO over right now: If I tell you that we have $300 to spend, that does not mean plan events in the span of three weeks that require us to spend $250. You seem to forget that we have 3 more months and an entire semester left. Yes, we have fundraisers coming up, but really? You need money to make money. In your short time at the university, I know you've figured that out. Oh, and we do not have to have pizza at every event. Chips and soda will do.

To the Gospel music industry: Can I get some non-corny, non-preachy music? I want to hear your heart, not regurgitated sermons. The people listening to your music already go to church.

To Friend With a Special Place in my Heart: I’m really glad you explained yourself, even if it was just to explain why you don’t explain yourself. Your vagueness was pissing me off.

To my hormones: SHUT UP!!


Whew, that felt good! :)

Speak to me

Songs have a way of speaking to you in ways that spoken words just can't sometimes. I've been freaking out lately about my life, and after a really inspiring message on Sunday, I've (mostly) relaxed. My pastor was texting me and encouraging me, and right after I read his texts, Kirk Franklin's song 'My Life is in Your Hands' came on Pandora. I'd asked God for a word this morning, some type of encouragement just to let me know he was there with me and he had my back, and some direction on what I'm supposed to be doing. He answered my prayers! It's great when you can count on somebody to be true to their word. He said he's a present help in trouble, and he proved himself again. It seems small, but it's these small moments that help move me in the right direction.

Reaally long post coming on overdosing on church.

Mhm..

I’m back at school. Freshmen are mad hype. Seniors are even worse. Is it May yet?

I straightened my hair. Everybody’s saying it’s cute. Is that a hint that I should leave the fro alone? But I wanna go back to my “naturally curly hair.” L

It’s not a good look to play “never have I ever” with people who you don’t really care to know their business, and neither do you want them to know yours.

I want school to start so I can get to work. But in two weeks, I will be begging for a break.

To my friend and former burgeoning cuddle buddy, Diesel: I miss you, why did you have to get a girlfriend?

It's a little cloudy

So I just finished watching the movie Juno. I’d refused to watch it before out of silent protest. If a black girl gets pregnant, it’s the same old story of an irresponsible slutty hoodrat having kids to stay on welfare or WIC. But a white girl does it and she gets an Oscar nomination. However, after watching it, I see why it won an Oscar. It was very well-written and acted. The subtleties and themes could probably make a nice little paper, if I actually wrote papers. There’s a reason I’m an accounting major. Watching movies like that makes me wish I could verbalize my thoughts in an eloquent manner. Or should I say, verbalize them quickly in an eloquent manner. I can come up with great arguments, but I need a lot of time to get them together. I have passed classes with flying colors after failing tests because of my superb papers (exhibit A of grade inflation). I feel like I could have a lot to say, but I need to practice getting my thoughts out of my head. There’s a line in that same song I talked about in the last post (Elevator Music by Othello) that says “responsibilities rest on the tongues of the educated mind, now accountable to verbalize truth.” Those words may not be completely right, but the gist of what he’s saying is that if you have knowledge, you should share that with someone who doesn’t have it and try to help them out. I get these vibes from people and I see inconsistencies and flaws in explanations, but many times, I can’t quite put my finger on it. But when I finally do get it, it’s even better than that proverbial light bulb. It’s that feeling you get when the sun finally breaks through the clouds after you’ve been secretly pleading with it all day to come out because you knew that the day would be absolutely perfect if it would just shine as brightly as you knew it could. So until I get that feeling, I keep tweaking my thoughts, keeping in mind that the hard work will be worth it when the cloud is finally lifted from my mind.

I'm over it

*Btw, after that whole rant I had about my best friend, she called me two days later talking about how we need to stop these long breaks in between talking to each other (I'm pretty sure she doesn’t read this blog). After that it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. I may have overreacted...

I was looking forward to this vacation from work, but now that it's here, I'm bored. Well, today I was bored. I’ve been going through so many emotions lately that it’s hard to trust my feelings. I’ve had so many conflicting feelings about school. It’s my senior year, the exciting and scary year that juniors dread and alumni constantly reminisce about. One part of me is just over it. I’m over the whole staying up all night studying (well, studying period), worrying about the event you’re planning, catering to the freshmen so they’ll keep your group going after you’re gone. I’m sick of it. I liked the work world and feeling like what I was doing was significant in some way, even if that way was that I could feed my ridiculous obsession with having money, even though I don’t like spending it. Since I must go to school, I just want to study to shore up my GPA, get a job, and have a good time. The only negotiable part is how I’m going to have a good time. I get satisfaction from my extra-curricular activities when I’m on top of things, and they turn out to be a success. The problem is the stress that comes with trying to make events successful. But I think my attitude for the next semester – not the year, I can’t think that far ahead – is to just get it done, and plan so that I have the least stress possible. The frustrating thing about this is that I feel like I should’ve had this attitude already in like, sophomore year. And in some ways, I’ve had it, but it hasn’t been entirely consistent. So now I feel like an idiot, even though I’ve mastered the art of looking like I have everything together. I hate that I constantly feel like I’m struggling to keep afloat. Maybe that’s why I liked working so much. I had a fresh slate, and I worked to take that opportunity and make a name for myself in the company. The actions I took had a direct effect on the results, unlike school, where I could work my butt off but still had no guarantee that I would succeed.
But I still feel like I’m missing the point. There’s a big empty space that supposed to be filled, but I feel like there’s a big hump I have to get over to get to the thing that’s supposed to fill me up. Really, I think my fluctuating emotions are a result of my fluctuating relationship with God. (Sidenote: I used to hate reading things where they would randomly start talking about God with no lead in, or have an obvious plot of ‘These were/are my problems, but I turned to/need to turn to God, and He fixed/will fix them.’ So I’m sorry if this seems like that, but really, I’ve been thinking about the reasoning behind these thoughts for quite some time now and I started noticing some patterns, so bear with me.) Whenever I’m talking to God regularly, I’m at peace with life. The craziest stuff will come up, but I freak out and then stay relatively calm because I know from experience, and not just from somebody’s grandma saying it, that God has an uncanny way of working things out. There’s this song by Othello (good rapper, you should check him out) called Elevator Music, and in the first line he says, “I guess that my stress is a direct effect of lack of elevation…” That’s exactly my problem. I hate that I feel like I write this every six months or so, but for some reason I keep doing this. I put myself on a rollercoaster that’s about to make me puke.

Miscellaneous things

It's been a while...

My cousin’s wedding was last weekend, and an uncle’s funeral was yesterday. One life begins, and another ends.

I’ve gotten pretty good at excel this summer. But when it decides that it doesn’t want to work and crash every half hour, a 2-hour job ends up taking all day.

Speaking of work, my last day is Friday (woohoo!). The official last day for the interns was this past Friday, but since I go back to school so late, I figured I’d make a little more money…the bills cometh…

I’m talking to a dude again that I met freshman year, when I told him that I would probably never see him again and didn’t want to talk to him. And three years, 2 more encounters, and hours of conversation later, I’m about to cut it off again. He can be the most annoying person sometimes, but he gets me. Like, really gets me. And it’s not like I’m blameless here at all. I start things up again when I’m feeling flirty and all, but when I get tired of him, I stop. He serves a specific purpose, and if that purpose isn’t fulfilled, I have no use for him. Cold, I know. But I expressly warned him that this is the way I am, and he knows from experience how I can be. Yet he still talks to me when I call him. “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” I thought about just giving in and dating him, because we have great conversations and great chemistry. But we disagree on all the important things in life, so we really need to stop. Or maybe I need to stop.

I feel like there’s a gulf growing between me and my best friend. The person she’s been in love with for like 5 years is finally paying attention to her – as a FRIEND – so I haven’t heard from her in a while. I expect this when she gets a new boo; we all do that. Somebody new comes in, we spend time with that person exclusively forever, and then look up one day and realize that we haven’t talked to our friends in about 2 months. I’m used to that, but I wasn’t prepared for someone that was supposed to just be a friend. We used to hang out when I got off work, or at least on the weekends. Now she doesn’t call me back, and if she does, she’s hanging out with dude. I got really pissed when I found out she’s been off work since Aug 4th, and hasn’t tried to hang out with me at all. And she’s finally going away to school – which I’m happy for her, cause she really wanted to go – but I know the gulf will get bigger over the next year. It’s sad facing this, but this is probably what she felt when I went away to school. But I did try to hang out with her when I was home. Yes, I am bitter. We’ve been friends for a looong time. We know each other inside out. But all things must change, I guess.

Someday, but not today

I am a sucker for a good romantic comedy. The puppy dog eyes, the cheesy lines, the sprints through the rain to get that one last (or first) kiss – I love all of it. But if anybody ever tried to say those things to me in real life…I might laugh in their face. Unless I actually liked them. For instance, I have a friend that I love to death now, but I liked him for the longest time before we became good friends. One day we were on the subway with some other friends coming back from church, and he pulled me to the side and out of the blue was like, “You are the reason I still believe there’s good in the world.” And then later on that same day we were talking and he said, “I don’t want you to change, I love you just the way you are.” I just about melted into the floor. But then I’ve had other guys say things like that to me, and I’m like, umm ok thanks. Now I’m in the boat that most people are in, where they want the love and affection of another person. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like that’s where I’m headed in the near future; I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be single right now. I want someone here, but I want someone that I really like and respect. I’ve kept a few guys around just to have somebody to flirt with when I felt like it. But the drama got old, and the effort to keep up with them was tiring. Lately, though, even the desire to flirt is fading. I just feel like I’m preparing for someone who isn’t too far away in the future. And even if he is a ways off, I’m strangely ok with that. As for the yearning for love and affection, it’s still there, but it’s waning. Thirstiness isn’t cute anyway. Besides, I’m a senior, so best believe my time will be spent looking for a job. I got loans to pay off.

Things I hate

I have many pet peeves, but one thing that grates on my nerves, is when it is clear that I am engrossed in a project, or doing something else, and somebody decides to ask an in-depth question that is completely out of the blue and expect a well-thought out and eloquent answer. Along the same lines, I don’t like when someone has been talking for an hour or more, and then asks me minutes after to summarize. I need time to digest what happened, look at my notes, or go through whatever handouts I have and remember the specific thoughts I had with each line. If I look like I'm concentrating, I probably am, so take a hint and don't bother me. Thanks.

Thoughts on Prayers

I've been thinking lately about the verse in James 5:16 that says, "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." It's the last portion that I don't entirely understand. To me, it's like saying, "The passionate, effectual prayer is the one that actually effects things." So what does "effectual" mean? When my research finally makes sense, I'll put up my explanation.

But the whole verse got me thinking about prayer in general. Sometimes I don't pray because I don't have anything to say. There are days when I don't feel like talking to anyone; things are going well, and nothing pressing happened during the day, so I don't speak. No need in wasting breath. It's the same way with God. The problem is that we're supposed to always pray, so I wind up sitting there like, "Well, God. I know I'm supposed to be talking to you, but I have nothing to say. So um, yea. Hello." So then I don't pray for three days, and by the third day, I feel empty, like I can feel that the Spirit has stopped communication. Of course, that's when something happens, and I go to God on my face asking Him to forgive me and to help me. Even if things stay the way they are, I feel like I missed something that God was going to say to me if I'd only kept talking to Him. It's not like God will reveal your life plan to you the one time that month you decide to talk to Him. When I pray consistently, I understand how to react to things; I feel the Spirit directing me, calming me when I get too upset, letting me know when I'm wrong or right.

See, I know the benefits of a relationship, but for some reason, I just can't get over that hump when I come to it. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Bills, Bills, Bills

So I'm talking with the other interns, and one of them says that she felt bad yesterday because she was too embarrassed to return something to Best Buy that she'd just bought, so she went to Target and spent like $200. First, I'm like, "Why couldn't you just wait till tomorrow or go to another store?" "I was going to, but I got lost." "You have a GPS system in your car. How did you get lost?" "I don't know, it just said destination reached, but I couldn't see how to get to it." *blank stare* I'm thinking, are you sure you made the dean's list at your school? I just let that one go, because she says some ditzy stuff sometimes. So then I asked,"No really, how much did you spend?" "My total came to 193 and change." *side eye* $200? Really? I mean, I love Target just as much as the next girl, and retail therapy is real, but to just go and drop that much because you couldn't find another store is ridiculous. And stupid. We don't get paid enough to be ballin like that. So we start asking her about what she has to pay and come to find out she doesn't have to pay for ANYTHING. Her parents pay her rent, utilities, tuition, and clothes (as long as they're "school-related," which means that they pay for everything). She basically only pays for her alcohol and $40 sushi dinners. Her parents want her to invest her money and start a retirement fund, and not have to worry about paying bills. But what good is building a nest egg if you won't have a nest to put it in when you turn 65? I'm not hatin cause her parents pay for stuff, because my parents are willing to pay for a lot. But if you're gonna take care of everything, at least teach them how to manage some kind of money, or you will be visiting your children in the poorhouse.

I'm too young for this

When I'm at school, I (speed)walk everywhere-to class, the library across campus, the meetings I'm forever late to, and even down the 24 flights in my highrise when the elevator breaks. But at home, I drive everywhere. And when I get to where I'm going, I sit. I also eat 3 solid meals (well more like 2.5), and drink water when I feel like it. But at school, I go through those 24-pack of water bottles and little juice bottles pretty quickly, and eat smaller meals about 5 times a day. So what does all this add up to? Five extra pounds when I'm home. That I have to lose in less than a month for my cousin's wedding. Silly me bought my bridesmaid dress when I first came home, a size smaller than I normally am during the summer, and now I can't breathe in the dress. Isn't this fantastic. I thought things like this weren't supposed to happen until you were like 30 or something. The sad thing is I have no motivation to work out. I used to be a workout fiend when I played basketball, running 3 miles a day, lifting weights, THEN going to practice. But that died when I left high school. I mean, why work that hard if you don't have to? I associate home with vacations and office jobs now, not a place to sweat it out in the basement. But I have to do something, cause I will end up passing out standing up there in front of that church lol

On the plus side, my booty's bigger :)

Networking is usually not my thing...

...but I really need to get on that. My internship has these managment meet-and-greet things where people high up in the company make a little presentation to us on what they do, how they got there, etc. They're usually pretty interesting, but today, the woman speaking became my hero in the first five minutes of her presentation. First of all, she's black, and I've seen about 5 black people in the entire company, and most of them are in the warehouse or those "grunt work" positions where you don't really see them that much. But this woman was the vice president of financial services for the ENTIRE company (let's call it BBS). Secondly, she was genuinely excited about working at BBS. She'd "never been bored one day" even though she's been there for 20 years!! Anyway, her entire presentation was inspirational, one of those that make you feel like you could conquer the world. I want to be her when I grow up! So me being my quiet and shy self said not a word to her after the meeting. In my head, I said I wasn't awake enough yet to say anything, but really, even if I had been awake, I had no idea what to say. I mean, people tell you all the time that networking is key, but I never got the logistics of it. So you meet somebody and find something to talk about, which is a ridiculous battle for me, cause I don't do small talk very well. Then you need to find a reason to keep in contact with them and get them to give you their card. You send a thank you, and then what? Do you send emails every now and then like "hi, just wanted to remind you that I exist. Please give me a job if you have one"? I have trouble keeping up with friends, let alone people that I don't even know.

So I'd scheduled a meeting to talk to the recruiter, and he told me in a nutshell that I need to get out of my shell and be more aggressive (is it sad that I only remember how to spell this word because of cheerleaders from high school? B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!!- but I digress). I have a lot going for me since I worked in the profit and non-profit sector, I'm black, female, and an Ivy League undergrad (yes Ivy League was the last thing he said. What does THAT tell you?) I came away with a lot that I need to change, like my approach to approaching people. I like to sit back and observe, see how everyone interacts with each other and from there see where I can fit in and who I might be able to trust. But you rarely have that much time to analyze everything, so there will be a time where you will be vulnerable to mishaps. Being quiet got me places in elementary school, and I spoke up enough during high school, but I'm about to be a senior in college. That baby stuff should've been long gone. Not saying that I'm gonna become a completely different person, but I have to change something. Bring out my professional Sasha Fierce lol. But I promise you by 9 AM tomorrow, I will have contacted that woman, cause I gotta get on this...

First Post!!

I’ve been reading blogs avidly for the last year or so, and in the last few months, I really wanted to start my own-which is weird since I hate writing in my journal. But since I’m online for hours a day, I figured I may as well carve my own little niche on the internet. Whatever comes into my mind on any given day is what I’ll post, and since I can be a little random, that could be anything from pop culture, friendships, relationships, to religion and the meaning of life. Speaking of religion, I am striving to have a great relationship with God, and not simply follow a religion; traditions and hearsay that are NOT in the Bible aren’t really that important to me. I try not to separate my faith from my real life, but please believe that I am flawed, and frequently make mistakes and do some on-purpose things too, so cut me some slack. That being said, enjoy!